I fully and completely regret my abortions. I had four abortions because I was so far from God and feeling so alone in the world. I lacked courage and I was only selfishly thinking about myself and what would happen to me and not what would happen to my babies.
I was seventeen and on my way to college. I felt that I wasn’t mature enough to be a mom and I had a whole life ahead of me. I remember being scared going in and relieved coming out. My problem was gone, or so I thought. I didn’t know that I would suffer tremendous grief and sorrow once I realized the horror of what I had done. I remember the indifference of the workers and the darkness that prevailed over the atmosphere. I remember the pain and the loneliness. After each abortion, I sunk deeper into self punishment and despair using alcohol and promiscuity to try to relieve my pain.
True awareness came to me when I had my first prenatal visit and heard my daughter’s heartbeat for the first time. I was elated and horrified at the same time. I was so excited to hear the beautiful rhythm of the heartbeat of another human being protected inside my womb and the absolute nightmare of the realization that I had paid to have four other human being’s lives violently ripped from my womb and their lives snuffed out. Then someone gave me a rosary. I gave my life over to our heavenly mother begging for help even though I felt so unworthy of her help. She was the perfect mother and I was the worst. She brought me to her son Jesus who brought me out of the darkness and into the light of forgiveness. I am eternally grateful.
I confessed and went to a Rachel’s Vineyard retreat where I could receive healing, forgive myself and honor my children. I found love and forgiveness first and foremost through reconciliation with God and my family who loved me even when they found out the horrible things I had done. I am loved by God and I will be silent no more for myself, my children, my family, my community and the glory of God.