I was a single mom of two with an abusive partner and had already decided to leave the relationship. I became pregnant by a man I had been intimate with. As soon as I told him, he said he wanted to help by paying for an abortion, I did not want to abort, but felt I had no other choice, he ghosted me after that. I never saw or heard from him again. I made the appointment, set up transportation, and went alone. I told no one except for my brother who drove me. I never spoke of it with him ever again.

The clinic was dimly lit inside and the “counseling” they mentioned was them discussing the test results of my urine sample and asking me if this is what I wanted to do. Of course, I did not want to “do this”, but I was a single mom of two that could barely make ends meet. How could I bring another child into this world, not knowing if I could support/him/her? The complete shame of having sex outside of marriage, what would people think, what would my church family say or do would I have been ostracized?

The staff led me to a procedure room and told me the doctor would be in shortly. It was very cold, and I was nervous. The doctor came in and explained they were going to dilate my cervix and then insert the medication to dilate my cervix. After some time passed the doctor turned on the machine which was very loud. As soon as the suction started the cramping pain was so bad, I started crying and hollering. The doctor said to be quiet, he was almost done. Finally, the machine stopped, and it was done. The doctor left the room and I never saw him again. The nurse guided me to the bathroom and asked me to get dressed and then led me to a different room and I was told to sit in a chair, and have a cookie and some juice. After about a half hour.

I was given a brown paper bag with birth control pills and said I was free to go. Within a year and a half, I was pregnant again twice. I felt so scared, alone, and unlovable. Each pregnancy was with a different partner that I thought loved me, as I had loved them and each time I was rejected as was my unborn child. The fear each time of having to survive on my own overwhelmed me! Each time I had another abortion, another layer of shame, guilt, and a deeper level of grief was buried until it came to the surface.

Soon after I became married, I had two babies with my now husband, and life was good. Then, I started having nightmares and became very depressed. So, I heard about a bible study for women who had an abortion. I went and began to heal.

I felt the Lord leading me to help others who had gone through the same thing. So, I met Serena Dyksen on the same journey and she was starting an online group. I was 100% in! The only thing was, to lead a group, I had to go through the study first, I was so excited to start doing this! Little did I know the Lord had deeper healing in store for me!

On this journey, I have experienced a pain that is unimaginable, and the work to heal is hard, but the transformation this far has been life changing. I suffered a recent personal loss, these losses were much more than I could bear. Jesus showed up in that darkness as I turned to Him and not away from Him and experience the true light of God’s love. 

I stopped trying to hide my grief and gave Jesus the shame and guilt I bore. He loves me now; He loved me when I turned from Him and entered the abortion clinic three times. He loves me still and always will.