I had two abortions in the early 1970's. I was a long time ago but sometimes it seems like yesterday. Some things about them I will never forget. My boyfriend did not want to be married and I believed that if my parents found out I was sexually active, let alone pregnant, it would kill them. That was enough reasons for me. I went to New York because at that time I lived in Mass. and it was only legal in New York and California.

I remember the procedure itself and feeling very removed from my body as it was being done. I remember nothing after the first one but after the second one I remember trying to console another woman who was crying after the procedure. I stayed in a hotel in New York city after the second one and I could not get warm. I called the front desk and asked them to check the heater, there was nothing wrong with it. I was freezing, chills passed through my body like a knife. It was a sensation that would return again off and on over the years. The next day on the bus home I cried out to the God I had heard about as a child.” Never ever let me do this again. “

I did get pregnant again, It does not make sense but I kept wanting to put those babies back in my womb. Desperate I went to church and God answered my cry. They had a guest speaker that Sunday who talked about adoption. This time I moved to San Francisco and my son was adopted there.

For years I struggled to make something of my life, I married a man I met in group therapy. .. we were both mourning the loss of a child, his by divorce, mine by adoption. I did not recognize my losses by abortion. I had another son and my stepson came to live with us. I still was not happy, I did not know what was wrong. I thought it was about the adoption but an astute counselor said it was more likely about the abortions. I did not want to go there.

I worked and worked to be the perfect wife, mother and step mother. I over achieved at my job I was still miserable and my husband and children knew what people saw on the outside was not really who I was. During this time I fought constantly with depression and also thoughts of suicide.

I took the training to be a pregnancy center volunteer. I was told that I would have to take the post-abortion Bible study before I could work with clients. I thank God they made that rule and I believe they made it when they saw me coming!

Finally, through this Bible study I began to see how the abortions had affected me. I let myself feel the incredible grief I had for the babies I had aborted. I saw how my relationships with my husband and children were marred because I could not let myself get close to anyone. 

I could only punish myself for what I had done. I began to heal, the truth that Jesus had paid the price for me with His blood began to be real to me. I did the study again a second time a few years later and accepted His complete forgiveness and restoration. I knew then as I know now my babies are with Jesus in heaven and I will hold them there some day. 

I do not get that chilled sensation any more... even standing up here in front of you. I thought for so long that I should never have been born but now I know His purpose for me to lead other women in healing Bible study. God's healing and restoration is available to every man and woman who has been part of an abortion. I have had the blessing of doing it for 15 years now. I  have met and know so many women and men like myself who have struggled for years and did not know why. My heart cries for so many!! And it is for them that I will be SILENT NO MORE!