I had an abortion because I was a struggling as a 15 year old single parent with no support from the child's father or my family. I felt alone with no help and full of fear for the future. I couldn’t offer anything to my unborn child. I thought that having an abortion was going to be better for the baby and he would never have to suffer with a mother that couldn’t provide for him or give him the family that he deserved.
I remember walking inside the clinic and the pro-life protesters were outside yelling not to kill my child, but I was escorted inside the clinic by staff and my sister-in-law. My heart and ears were totally numbed and deaf to the last rescue call for my child's life . Once I entered the clinic the staff was nice to me and made me feel comfortable, I also had the support of my sister-in-law at the time. When it was time for the procedure they took me to a room, it looked like a regular ob/gyn room with the table and the ultrasound machine. They did an ultrasound and I saw my child’s heartbeat, but I was so numb inside that it didn’t have any effect on me and I didn’t value the life growing inside of me.
They went ahead and explained to me how they were going to do the procedure through suction and I was going to be under general anesthesia. After they went ahead and started the process with the anesthesia, I counted to 3 and when I woke up it was done. My baby’s heartbeat stopped and so did mine. I instantly regretted killing my baby, but it was too late the abortion was done.
They brought me to the recovery area for a few hours, and they discharged me with no after care. I walked out of the clinic with total shame, guilt and regrets for what I did to my baby. As time went on after the abortion I numbed my abortion pain with drugs, alcohol and promiscuity. I didn’t care who I hurt, my relationships with my family and men were toxic and problematic my life was in total despair.
After 25 years after the abortion I found help and forgiveness through a faith-based recovery ministry and I took their 12-step study towards healing and freedom from my hurts, hang ups, and habits and one of the participants shared about another ministry that specifically helps men and women get healing for the abortion wounded heart.
After attending a three-day retreat with the ministry for the abortion wounded heart I found forgiveness from God. I forgave myself and I was reconciled with my baby and received his forgiveness, it was full closure for me. I walked out of the retreat with God’s forgiveness; my heart was restored and healed from the shame and regret I walked on for many years. I got freedom to share my story. And that’s why I’m silent no more.