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Learning to Forgive Myself
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Minda
Arizona,
United States
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I knew the second it happened that I was pregnant. I don't know why, I just did. Five weeks later I began to have morning sickness; I got the test.
Yep—pregnant.
I was 20 and my boyfriend was much older. He already had grown kids, and I had never had that "maternal pull". We had problems and I knew he was not faithful and would not be around to help, so the decision was made. I did not tell my mother. She would have made me keep it, and I was in a panic mode at that time.
Just get rid of it. It's legal. It's not a "real" baby. I remember them picketing out in front of the place (Planned Parenthood). I remember my counseling, "Are you sure you want to have an abortion"? It was asked once and then I was brought into "the room.” I remember the lighting and the smells.
The pit in my stomach grew as the time neared. I tried to block out everything. My soul cried as my baby died. I would not listen. It’s a horrible thing to admit, but I can’t even tell you when this happened. Was it in the Spring? Winter? The day, the month? I have no idea. It is sealed up tight in some secret place within me.
After the abortion (I hate that word…I murdered my child and that is the truth of it.) I started on a path of self destructive behavior that lasted over 20 years. I hated myself and sabotaged my life any way I could. I did not deserve anything good. I was a murderer and a monster. I had bought into the notion that my child was "just a blob of tissue" and therefore it was not a big deal.
I would rarely think of the abortion. If it reared its ugly head I would push it back down and continue my cycle of destruction. At that time I did not even equate my behavior to the abortion, but as the days wore on, I could not stop thinking about what I had done.
The connection between my abortion and my self-loathing finally became clear to me. I thought if I went to a Priest and confessed it would lift my burden. So about 10 years ago I went and confessed. I cried so hard my face went numb. It was not enough. I still had not forgiven myself...how could I ever?
And so the loathing continued. I had been trying to get closer to God and, on Sunday June13, 2010, I woke up feeling a strange presence that I cannot begin to describe. I felt like I was me, but not me. Thoughts and feelings came to me, like a floodgate had been opened
On Tuesday June 15, 2010, late in the afternoon, I had an epiphany. If I truly believed in God (which I did) and He had thrown my sin into the sea of forgiveness a long time ago, then who in the heck was I to tell Him that He was wrong? Who was I to let Him forgive me but refuse to forgive myself? In that moment the burden was lifted. I got down on my knees and with tears in my eyes I thanked Him for forgiving me. I thanked Him for not giving up on me when I had given up on myself.
My life is so much better. I regret my lost child, but I no longer hate myself. I continue to heal the wounds I caused myself. I have come a long way. There has been much help from a local group, Mantle of Hope, at my former church. Attending Rachel’s Vineyard two years ago was one of the best things I have ever done for myself. I actually left there with a spiritual connection with my daughter, something I had never been able to make before. I had prayed for her to forgive me in the past and felt like I had been forgiven. However, to take that next step and have a relationship with her was something I did not feel like I deserved. It was a beautiful miracle when that occurred. I highly recommend any women who has had an abortion or any man who has lost a child to abortion seek the healing that attending a Rachel’s Vineyard weekend retreat has to offer.
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