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Testimonies
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To glorify God through the ashes of my life.
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Cindy
Ohio,
United States
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I just turned 19, I already had a one year old baby girl, and I was in a very unhealthy marriage when I found I was pregnant again. My doctor suggested that he could hook me up with an abortion in Washington DC for $600.00.
It was a time before ultrasound technology, and I believed the lie that this was not really a life until birth. I didn't give it much thought and took it as an easy solution, even though it was illegal in most states in the country. I would come to know that Abortion wouldn't solve my troubles, but warps them, and creates new ones, much worse. Little did I know that decision would change my life forever.
The abortion took place in a large hospital, my parents drove me to Washington and then immediately drove back home so my sisters would not know about it. I was to ride the Greyhound bus back to Springfield, Ohio. The actual procedure was painless, and I was put to sleep so not to hear or see anything, I think I was lucky in that instance. The ride home was torture for me as the reaction to the drugs administered caused every muscle to ache as nothing I had ever experienced.
I was able to go back to work and carry on with my life as a single mother to my daughter, working hard to just block the experience from my mind until Roe V. Wade brought abortion to the attention of the masses. I will never forget the day the news broadcast showed the picture of a fetus in the womb at 10 weeks development. The baby’s heart was beating, and I saw the perfect and beautiful form of the baby. A baby very much alive. Not just a blob of tissue as the doctor had told me.
I was stunned, that I had killed a child, my child. I felt hopeless, and doomed to end up in hell some day because how could God ever forgive this?
For over the next 35 years I lived a life dictated by shame and guilt and self-condemnation. I spent my life trying to appear happy by going into debt to have the perfect family, perfect home, handsome and well-dressed kids and husband. I began to drink too much, party too much, and completely ran my marriage into the ditch. After 25 years of marriage I divorced.
I found help through some Christian girlfriends in a Bible study of "Mark" where I finally learned that God did forgive, that He could help me forgive myself. I went to our local PRC to volunteer, and it was there that I took part in the Bible study for healing post-abortion. I was finally set free. I would come to know that I never had grieved my baby; I was told that my baby went straight into the arms of our faithful Father for safekeeping. And when I get to heaven this daughter of mine will be there for me to finally hold in my arms.
I am now happily remarried and am blessed with wonderful children and grandchildren. I do think of my "Molly" playing in heaven and someday being reunited, but now I can smile at the thought, and it encourages me to speak out to women who are contemplating abortion and those living the heartbreak of post abortion.
I have shared my testimony every time I have been asked, and women usually come to me who share the same heartbreak and who need God’s help.
The desire of my heart is to glorify God through the ashes of my life.
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