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Grieving a Life Lost
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Angela
Tennessee,
United States
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In 2001 I was 24 years old with a two year old when I found out I was 13 weeks pregnant.
It all happened so fast. My lifestyle was not great back then, and I was with an abusive boyfriend at the time. I just remember being scared with so many different emotions. I knew having a baby meant I would be trapped in this relationship, and I felt like having another baby would mean would keep me from being able to have the lifestyle I was living. I was overwhelmed with so many reasons for why I could not keep this baby. I had no one I could go and talk to.
I had a friend who told me about when she had an abortion, so I looked up in the phone book and found a place.
When I arrived, there were so many girls there. While waiting to go back, I talked with others girls there in the waiting room. Everyone was just talking and laughing; some had had several abortions.
Before the procedure I sat in a room with a lady who was counseling me. Seeing I was nervous, she kept reassuring me that what I was doing was okay and that I was not making a mistake. She mentioned this over and over again and reminded me that it was not a baby yet.
When it was time to go back, the doctor never said a word to me, and when I turned toward the ultrasound screen the nurse quickly turned it the other way so that I could not see. The friend who came with me saw the ultrasound screen when the nurse turned it around and said it was a girl. There was so much tugging and pulling, but I have never forgotten that sound of the procedure. It haunts me still to this day.
After the procedure was over, I went into a room with other girls lying on beds. It was so quiet, all these ladies who were previously loud and talking before were now in silence, as if in shock. I could not believe what just happened. The ride home was quiet, and the abortion was never talked about. I pushed it so far back that it was as if it never happened.
Immediately after, I tried so hard to become pregnant, doing everything I could, desperately wanting to have a baby. I know I thought in my mind it would fix what happened or replace the one that was lost. I finally got pregnant with a son.
Years went by and I covered up my pain with drinking and pills. I lived 10 years with this secret, never telling anyone. I was living in denial. I had two boys, but since the abortion I had such a hard time bonding with my kids, and every time I heard the word ‘abortion’ I would quickly try to get it out of my head.
Finally, in 2011, I called a local pregnancy center and made an appointment to get post abortive counseling and to go through a post abortive Bible study called Forgiven and Set Free. Although I had a child already when I had the abortion, it still was so easy for me to believe that it was not a baby. I never saw my baby, so it was easy to believe everything they told me. Going through the healing helped me to see that it was in fact a baby, that it had a heart, fingers, and eyes. I named her Hannah Elizabeth, and I was finally able to grieve a life lost.
God has forgiven me and has brought so much healing in my life. My eyes were opened to truth and God has restored me. He has filled that emptiness within me with His love and forgiveness, and He has given me hope again. Now I am finally free from the shame and guilt and that is why I am silent no more!
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