I grew up learning from the culture what love was supposed to look like.  In my need for love I accepted what I was taught and embraced sex as the means in which to fulfill this longing.  The emptiness after broken relationships caused me to seek other relationships or sexual encounters, hoping to "secure" a love relationship out of that.  This would lead me to four pregnancies.  I chose life for one of my children and abortion for the others.  

Each unwanted pregnancy was met with either indifference or the pressure to abort and was bound in fear.  I longed for someone to be the voice of confidence in my life, cheering me on to keep these children.  However, in the abortion clinics I was always met with indifference in "counseling" sessions. I felt like I was on an assembly line as I was led through the clinic. I sat silently with other women in a back room waiting for the procedure.  I was given a drug which made me loopy and unable to walk unassisted to the procedure room.  There I was met with more indifference as the nurse and doctor barely talked to me.  There was physical pain, but I knew I needed to be quiet; somehow, I didn't feel I'd be comforted by the medical team.  After the procedure I was led to a back room, laid on a stretcher, and told I would be monitored until I was ready to leave.  When I left I was ushered out the back door and not even given the dignity of leaving out the front door.  

I knew what abortion was and after each, although I felt some relief, I also felt disgust and self-loathing at what I'd done.  My life, although already entrenched in alcohol, partying, and sexual promiscuity, was plunged into a deeper pit of the same.  I felt hopeless and confused.  Others seemed to be finding love and fulfillment; why wasn't I fulfilled and why couldn't I be loved?  There were no answers until I met Jesus.  Upon receiving salvation, I took part in Bible studies and prayer groups and attended church regularly.  However, being so new to the faith, I had no knowledge of spiritual warfare and weapons of warfare. I didn’t realize that everyone has a past and a need for Jesus.  On my bed in the quiet hours of the night I would have the thoughts, "God can't love you, you killed His kids."  Or, "Those people will never understand you, they are not like you."  The pressure of that rejection was too much, so I walked away from the Lord to go back to my former way of life.  But it wasn't the same.  

I had tasted that the Lord is good!  During that year I spent wallowing again in the dumpster of this world, the Lord gently pursued me and wooed me back to Him.  When I returned to the Lord and the church, I discovered what had been whispered in my ear was a lie from the enemy.  I learned transparency is important to gaining victory in our lives.  

I went to a local Pregnancy Support Center to be a voice to other women and to tell them abortion is not an answer.  While there, it was suggested I join a “Forgiven and Set Free” Bible study group aimed at the healing from a past abortion.  That began a long journey of healing and learning who God is, what His Word has to say, and how to apply that to my life. 

Today, I desire all men and women who struggle with an abortion wound to know forgiveness, healing, and wholeness are for them. Silence is Satan’s tactic for keeping God’s people from being effective warriors, and I will be SILENT NO MORE!