My family and I were members of "The Church of Christ.” My father was a deacon in our congregation and a very good man. My mother was tough but loving. There was no abuse in our family except the occasional spanking with a willow tree branch (very acceptable in the south at that time).
I was 14 or 15 when I had sex for the first time. It resulted in pregnancy
I was too afraid to tell my parents so I called my older sister, who was married and lived on her own, and told her the frightening news. She came over and told my parents what had happened. First ,they were devastated ,and second that I had had sex and that now I was pregnant. I am sure they were worried about what other people would say, but more than that they were worried for me and what was to become of my life.
They decided it would be best to have an abortion.
I didn't fight it as I just wanted it to be over. I felt like they would never look at me the same way and I was such a disappointment. My mother made the appointment and took me to the hospital where our family gynecologist performed the abortion. Honestly, I can't even remember as I worked hard for so many years to block it out.
I went back to school the next day. Of course I had told my best friend and she promised not to tell but I knew that others were looking at me differently and they knew that I was a "slut.” This was the word they used to describe me. Right away I started alienating myself from the friends I had known all my life. I started hanging out with mostly boys of other races from other schools. I had sex with anyone that had an interest in me.
I became very depressed and my mother sent me to a psychologist. They thought I must be bipolar and gave some medication that turned me into a zombie. I could hardly keep my eyes open. I stopped taking it without telling my parents. The week I turned 18, I moved out on my own. I didn't need anyone, only me and I could make it alone.
By the time I was 19, I had started drinking. I remember waking up in a house, naked on the "bad" side of town that had no furniture, just a mattress with no sheets. I didn't even know how I got there or what happened. I never told anyone.
At 20, I tried to commit suicide by slitting my wrists. I had taken several pills of some kind that a guy had given me. This numbed me and I hardly even felt it. I was semi-conscious for about 3 days in my house alone. Finally my mom and sister came to make sure I was all right. They carried me to the car and took me to my parents’ house where they cleaned me up and bandaged my wrists. We never went to the hospital as someone would then know.
I went to college and quit after only a month and then joined the military on a whim. I just needed to get out of that town. I went to technical school and met a boy and got married without telling my family. That lasted about 6 months before he tried to set our apartment on fire to hopefully kill me while I was sleeping.
I then met another man and got pregnant. We got married and I had my wonderful son who is now 18 years old. My husband left us when my son was three years old.
Six months later I married someone I met at church. He ended up being a cocaine addict in recovery. It wasn’t long before he started selling my things for drugs. I got pregnant again. My mother said I couldn't raise two kids on my own and I should get married, so I did.
I was six months pregnant when I started spotting and the ultrasound showed there was no heartbeat. When I found out I had a total breakdown. I had the D&C and became numb to everything. I packed my things and got on a plane and moved back to my parents’ house with my son.
I then met a man online and met him once and then packed my stuff and my son and I moved 5 hours away with someone I didn't even know. We got married. He was an alcoholic and abusive. After a few months, my son and I left and moved back home, where I continued with a very promiscuous life on the weekends that my son was with his father.
I had no respect for myself and was so very depressed. I got drunk every time my son was away and would go out with men off the internet and have sex on the first date. I couldn't understand why they never called me again.
Finally, God sent someone who saw what was underneath and didn't want to sleep with me right away. We dated for 5 years before we got married. I converted to Catholicism as he was Catholic and started getting a little better over time.
When we finally came to the parish we are currently in, I wrote a long email to the priest who didn't even know me and told him everything that is in this testimonial and probably more of the details. He wrote me back and wanted me to come and see him if I was comfortable. I did and he talked about Rachel's Vineyard and thought it would be good for me to go. I was reluctant but said I would. I cancelled right before the first retreat as I just couldn't do it. But a few months later, Lori from Rachel's Vineyard contacted me and I went. It was the best thing I have ever done and I now feel free of the guilt and shame that I had so many years.
Since then I have done so many things that I would never have done before. I lost 64 pounds; I got involved in my parish by being on the liturgy committee, joining the choir and even volunteering to be a reader during Mass.
I finally feel like I deserve to be there and I am not a fraud. I even let the Catholic Sentinel print my story and let them put my name on it. I don't want to hide anymore. I want people to know what abortion does to entire families and generations of families. I want to tell my story.