After I graduated from high school, I went to college and spent the first semester drinking, doing drugs and partying. At a party on my 19th birthday I was "date-raped" and lost my virginity to some guy who was actually dating one of my girlfriends. I never told her about it.
I moved back home with my folks and got a job. I got married – dumb idea – but we were sure we "loved" each other. We spent our marriage doing drugs and having parties – sometimes with multiple sex partners. We got divorced after he got another girl pregnant.
So there I was. A new town, a new job, no husband and feeling pretty much like a piece of crap. After my divorce was final, I went out to "celebrate". Of course, I got drunk and slept with an acquaintance from work, Allen. One night, one time, and guess what? I was pregnant!!! This couldn’t be – no way. I had never used contraceptives in the six years of marriage to my husband. I couldn’t be pregnant. That test had to be wrong. But it wasn’t.
I met with him let him know I was pregnant. I do not remember his response or the look on his face – but I do remember his first words, "Don’t worry, I’ll give you money for an abortion". An abortion? Of course – that was the answer. Of course – what else could I do? I only wish I knew then what I know now.
My Savior has spared me from remembering much about that day. He dropped me at the clinic that morning. There were many other girls there. I paid someone – cash. She pointed me in the direction of an office. The person there asked me some questions. I don’t remember the questions – or my answers. I signed some “release” form – it did not occur to me to read it. I assumed it said “you have permission to perform an abortion”.
I went back and got into a hospital gown. I walked back into the waiting room and I remember there were so many other girls in hospital gowns. No one made eye contact with each other. Someone called my name. They said I should go to the bathroom one last time. I walked into the bathroom. I looked into the mirror just before I walked back out. I am not sure who was looking back – I did not recognize her. I whispered “God, please forgive me”. Somewhere in my gut I knew that what I was doing was wrong. But I still never considered that a child was involved.
I left the clinic out the back door that day. I took a cab back to my apartment. I cried and slept for what seemed like days. I never spoke to anyone about it and I never saw him again.
Many years went by. I married and divorced a second time. I lived, worked and functioned like a “normal” human being – medicating myself with alcohol. But there was always something missing--a hole in my heart.
I married a third time. After only a month of our wedding day – I fell apart. I fell down on my face one day and told him I wanted to die. I even considered suicide. My husband got me help and loved me through it all. I finally came clean with a counselor about this burden on my heart. I asked Jesus to forgive me and be my Savior. I was baptized for the remission of my sins and am walking in a new life. I have the hope of seeing my child someday. My son, whom I have chosen to name David, is in heaven, with my Grandmother and mother and many aunts to watch over him.
It has been 29 years since my abortion. There is not a day that goes by that I don’t think about my unborn child, the only child I would ever conceive. But he waits for me in heaven. Thank God for the blood of Jesus that covers all sin.
Knowing my story – who I was and where I was with my walk with the Lord – does not excuse the choice I made so many years ago. But if my story can keep one woman from making the same mistake – I will be “Silent No More.”
Satan wants us to be silent; to bear our shame and guilt in darkness. Then we are dead inside and frozen with fear – and that is what Satan wants. Satan wants us distracted and immobilized with fear. If I bring my sin to the light Satan has no power over me. I cannot do a good work for Jesus if I am bound by sin. Satan wants to keep me bound and imprisoned.
I put the light of Christ on my darkest secret and Jesus will use it for His Father’s glory. I am now equipped for every good work by Jesus Christ who strengthens me. I choose forgiveness and freedom. My child lives in the presence of Jesus. My child is held in Jesus’ arms and awaits my arrival. Thank you Jesus.
This decision – to take the life of an innocent child – is irreversible – in this lifetime. No challenge or obstacle encountered in the process of an unplanned pregnancy – is greater than the guilt and shame of taking an innocent life. There are so many other alternatives. There are men and women who want to help. Please choose life for your child.