Carol's 2011 March for Life Testimony

	Carol Arizona, United States

	My name is Carol from Phoenix, Arizona. Over 35 years ago I was a young mother and a college student. I was about to graduate. I had turned my life around and was finally a success. Then I found out I was pregnant. Another baby… this would ruin everything. It was no time for a baby. No way. I was not facing my parents in disgrace again. This was just not a good time for a kid. And besides I already had a kid. And my parents loved him. Would they love another one? I had to make a decision that would affect the one I had already allowed to live.I had to make a choice and I chose to terminate the child who I thought could ruin my whole life. I told my boyfriend not to worry – I was gonna have an abortion – no big deal. It was a given – since it became legal everyone was doing it. Our legal system had empowered people to kill their babies. knew they did abortions at Planned Parenthood, so I went (with my boyfriend and father of the baby) and made an appointment. They asked me why I had come and I replied, “I want to have an abortion.” They never counseled me or suggested alternatives. They just made my appointment. As I lay on the table, I remember thinking that everything will be OK real soon and no one will ever know. Suddenly I was awakened by a nurse who told me, “You can go now it is all over.” I started to sob and must have gotten rather loud. When one of the nurses asked me why I was crying, I screamed I wanted my baby back and to put it back inside me. She began to laugh and called another nurse over. The other nurse could hear me crying and asking to have my baby put back inside of me. She too began to laugh. Then they called my boyfriend, by name (he had been there before several times with other girls) and told him to drive to the back. They took me to the back door and said that they did not want me going out the front and upsetting the other clients. When I got back to my dorm room, my boyfriend left me – I remember feeling empty and alone. I cried for my baby as the realization that there was no longer a baby inside of me hit me. After days of crying, I decided to put this behind me and pretend like it never happened. But I secretly obsessed thinking about what this child would have been like – his personality, his looks. I wondered what, if allowed to breathe, my child would have become. I realized I had done something awful – after that I could do nothing right. I deserved punishment and found someone to help me in this goal. My self-worth had deteriorated. I gained weight, stopped wearing make-up and did not care what I wore. Thirty years later, in church, I begged forgiveness for my sin – but did not feel forgiven. The priest I spoke to told me to ask forgiveness of my child. Over and over, I asked my child to forgive me. In a dream, I saw three babies playing in the clouds. One turned to me and said “Hi, Mommy.” It was at this moment I knew I had been forgiven. But still I kept my dark secret telling only my children and asking them to tell no one. At a 40 Days for Life vigil, I saw a woman carrying a sign that said, “I regret my abortion.” I regretted my abortion and wanted to carry that sign. I was convicted. On the sidewalk, I knew I had a message. I had learned the healing power of forgiveness. I was Silent No More.

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