I had an abortion because I was 17 when I got pregnant. I was scared and did not know what to do. People I was closest to encouraged me to get an abortion. And the fear of my boyfriend leaving me because I kept the baby influenced my decision. During the abortion procedure I experienced nervousness. I was so scared and worried that I was going to regret my decision. I remember feeling guilty. Immediately after the abortion, I felt tired and empty. I did not really feel remorseful at that point. I was just ready to go home. As time went on after the abortion, I felt and experienced little sorrow. I did not feel bad for my choice and went on with life like there was no harm done. A couple years later...
I found myself pregnant again. I was horrified! The same guy I was with before told me to get rid of it. He said he was not ready to be a father. His own dad paid for the first abortion and this time I had to ask a friend of mine to loan me the money. I did not want my boyfriend to feel trapped. I did not want to force him to be a father when he did not want to be. And although I believed we were meant to be together, this showed me a lot about his character and a lot about his so called "love for me". I was starting to see him for who he was. He was the first guy I had ever had sex with. I wanted to marry him. Yet, when it came down to it, I was fooling myself. I was not in love and nor was he. It took years down the road to learn that.
Although I wanted to keep the baby this time, I felt pressured to terminate the birth. I went to the clinic and I remember looking around at the people waiting to see the doctor. I felt ashamed. I was going back and forth in my head wondering what I should do. I went to the counter to sign in and felt faint. I was signing in and got really dizzy. I reached for the wall so I could feel my way to the rest room and I passed out. I remember being carried down the hall and into a small room. The nurse told me to go home and pray about it. That I obviously, needed to think this through. That was a GOD thing. He was trying to reach me right then and there. They refused to operate on me in that condition and told me to reschedule a later appointment if I decided to follow through with it.
I went home and cried! I prayed! I cried! & I prayed! God spoke to my heart and told me to keep the baby. Yet, I was getting so much back lash from my boyfriend that I rescheduled an appointment. This time, I did not pass out. When they called my name I had butterflies. I felt like I was about to throw up. I wanted to run away but, I knew that I would upset my boyfriend. I did not think I could raise a baby on my own and in my mind he was worth the loss of this second child. When I got in the back, they rushed me! They said they were running behind and to hurry up. These people were mean! I thought to myself, "Maybe I should go to the clinic I went to the first time." As I laid down and they gave me the anesthesia I decided to change my mind! I wanted to speak up but it was too late. I was asleep.
When I woke up I was bleeding like crazy and the contractions were excruciating! I was so depressed and just started crying my eyes out. I knew the baby was gone and instantly regretted it. My boyfriend broke up with me. T he very reason I got that abortion was to keep him around. It taught me that you cannot force someone to love you. I began to feel worse as time passed. Years later, when I got married my husband and I started trying for a baby. We had no luck.
I felt really overwhelmed with sadness one day and felt the need to go in the bathroom and cry. I started praying to the Lord! What is wrong with me?! And he flashed the thought into my mind. The abortions! I cried and begged Him to forgive me! I felt a peace like He already had. Then I wondered... Why do I feel so terrible still? Then He spoke to my heart and said... "Tell them that!" I thought... "Tell who what?"
And it hit me! He wanted me to apologize to my unborn children. I cried for thirty minutes before I began to pray. I had 101 reasons not to keep them before but, at that point I could not think of one. I remember the prayer by heart. Needless to say, I was forgiven. Yet, I have not fully healed from that nightmare called ABORTION. Had I known how I'd feel afterwards and the severity in that decision... I'd have kept my babies.
God helped me to heal. In the end... It’s when you have nothing left you realize, He is all you need! <3 I am pro-life now!