I had an abortion at 20 weeks because my doctor was not optimistic about the success of my pregnancy. We loved and wanted our daughter very much, but we allowed fear and despair to cloud that love, and to cloud our judgment. I want to tell other mothers that a medical diagnosis is NOT a sentence for death, and that your child needs you as their advocate, especially if you are their only advocate! I wish that I had more faith at the time, and that I would have allowed things to progress naturally--that I would have left circumstances in God's hands instead.
Labor was induced knowing she would pass away, as she was not viable yet to live on her own. Before labor, I clutched my stomach and had the strongest urge to save my child, and to flee from the hospital. Yet, I resisted that instinct because I was too 'polite' and 'compliant' with my family and with the hospital staff. I resisted that urge because I did not want to be rude. Looking back, I can't believe I gave up that easily. Although everyone had good intentions, I am the ONLY one struggling with immense guilt and pain over this decision.
Immediately after the abortion, I regretted it. I prayed and prayed that I could turn back time and that I could reverse the decision we made. As time went on, the guilt I felt started to suffocate me. Her death was constantly on my mind, and I couldn't escape it. I knew that I let my daughter down, and that I let God down. To make matters worse, I came across stories of women who, under similar medical circumstances, decided to maintain their pregnancies. Most of the women lost their babies because of the complications, but some did not--some babies survived. I will ALWAYS wonder if my daughter would have been one of the lucky few to 'make it.' I'll never know--I didn't give her that chance.
Because I felt so suffocated by the guilt, we started to attend church again. Through that, I was able to find God. He is such a loving, forgiving God. I know he has forgiven me. The difficult part is forgiving myself. Yet, through God's grace, I'm beginning to heal. I will never choose abortion again, and I will always stand up for life. I don't want to be a silent witness anymore. Recently, I've participated in 40 Days for Life, which is a vigil in front of abortion clinics. That has helped to heal me too--the one thing I promised my daughter is that her death would not be in vain. And, it won't be.