When I was sixteen years old, I got pregnant with my boyfriend. At first, I was so excited about the baby and was looking forward to being a mother. I did not see it in any way as being a bad thing. I told my mother and the information was not well received. Several weeks later, she drove me to an abortion clinic in the nearest city and told me it was my only option. The father of the baby had offered to marry me and take me to his family who lived in another state for help and support, but I had never been away from my parents and was not in love with the baby's father. I opted to follow my mother's wishes and agreed to go back for the abortion.
We arrived that morning at the clinic and I remember feeling so sad. I knew what we were about to do was wrong, but at sixteen I did not think I could have the baby without my mother's support.
I entered the room having never had a gynecological exam and was told to lie down on the exam table with my legs in the stirrups. The noise of the suction machine was terrifying. Laying on my back staring up at the ceiling, I could feel them performing the procedure and even though there were no physical feelings of pain, my heart was breaking.
Afterwards, I had lost quite a bit of blood and ended up suffering a drop in blood pressure which forced me to have to stay at the clinic an extra couple of hours while my vitals stabilized. During that time, I watched two more girls around my age come in for abortions and I couldn't believe how busy the office was. I didn't realize then the profound affect all of it would have on me for the rest of my life. I was depressed and devastated, but relieved that I had done what my mother had wanted me to do.
That night, I told the baby's father what had happened and that is when I realized the profound affect my decision would have on his life. We rarely spoke after that and I often wondered if he ever got married and had other children.
Over the years I drowned out my guilt, depression, and emptiness with the same behavior that had gotten me into the situation in the first place until at the age of nineteen I became pregnant again. This time I decided that I would keep the baby and nothing would change my mind.
I gave birth to a beautiful baby girl and a year later got married. I convinced myself that by having this baby it would heal the guilt. It didn't. A few years later I had another baby, a boy, and still could not feel better about the abortion.
It wasn't until a couple years after my son was born that I started attending church again and made the decision to ask Jesus to come in to my life. Jesus bore my sin on the cross and paved the way for me to overcome the grief, guilt, depression and emptiness I had allowed to control my life because of that abortion.
There is no pre-abortion counseling that will ever convey the emotional price you will pay when you decide to murder an unborn child.