I had an abortion on January 25, 2011. My boyfriend thought it was best. Most people thought it was okay. I was thirty-three and had a job. I have two children now. I have been single and pregnant alone before. Up until the first RU-486 pill was given, I thought my boyfriend would certainly change his mind. He did not.
The women waiting for the pill were all in a large room. We were pulled one by one and asked by a Planned Parenthood worker, not a counselor, who asked, "Are you sure?" I said, "I guess." Then I was hurried out. I was in shock and thought, “This is not happening. Surely something will happen and it won't happen.” I told myself, “I'm dreaming.” But no.
I was called into the back room. It was dark, the furniture was old. There were tiny white cups with one pill inside each lined up in many rows. The doctor looked at me, explained the pill, and gave me a cup. I looked at my boyfriend and I took it.
I was still in shock as I quickly got out of there. It seems like I have been running since that day. Physically I felt no pain, but I was confused. We arrived at the hotel where I would take the other two pills to induce the abortion.
On January 26, I took the second set. Hours later the cramping began. I took one pain pill. They gave me a total of eight. I have been given more for a toothache. I had nausea, diarrhea, and the stomach pain really unnerved me. Then I bled. At first it was a small amount. I felt more cramping. I was thinking, "This feels like labor. They did not mention this!" I had two sons and I knew labor pains. My uterus was contracting. I began to notice clumps that seemed to get bigger. I could feel them come out of me. This is no period! I was in the bathroom alone watching this happen; the blood coming out began to look like red ribbons.
The next day I was still bleeding quite a bit. I lay in bed looking at the walls. The depression was setting in.
On January 28, we left the hotel. I vividly remember walking with a limp and very weakly. I was not the same anymore.
At my follow-up appointment on February 16, 2011 I told Planned Parenthood that I was still cramping and had some bleeding. They did an ultrasound. It showed remaining tissue left. I thought, “Surely they will do a D and C to make sure I do not become ill from this. They can't just leave bits and pieces in there!” The nurse practitioner gave me two more abortion pills to take at home to expel the remaining tissue. I kept the pills and never took them. I was terrified. I left without scheduling a follow-up appointment. They never gave one to me.
In early March I began to continually feel cramping. I was unable to drive. I found a good urgent care center and talked to a real doctor. He said I was still showing positive signs for pregnancy, after almost two months. He gave me shots, called the hospital for an ultrasound, sent me directly there, and it was confirmed. Yes, there was tissue left. It never came out. A day later I saw a good OB/GYN who told me that a D and C was necessary, and that I could wake up without a uterus. I was thirty-three. On March 17, 2011 I was wheeled into surgery at the hospital. I held the nurse’s hand as she and the other nurse wheeled me into the surgery room. At this point I felt traumatized that I walked around with remaining parts of my unborn child inside me. The last thing I remember is the large bright surgical light.
I am thankful for the care by my doctors. They saved my life. I still have sharp cramps and pain sometimes. I haven't been anywhere for mental support. I attempted suicide in July of 2011. I have been unable to work and barely leave the house. I can't look at babies, families, or pregnant women. It angers me. It hurts. The amount of rage I feel is a shock to me. Mad at the world, mad at myself, mad at God, mad at men. I feel loss and I grieve. I get very enraged. I think of Planned Parenthood and the callous treatment of women. They did an ultrasound to see how far along I was, almost refusing to give it to me. I demanded it! I named her Abigail. I have tried to tell my story, but most push it aside. Christians judge and pro-choice people minimize it and encourage denial. A woman has a right to feel and grieve. To deny that fact is a slap in the face of the women's movement.
Help and forgiveness? I have found none really. I do find solace in telling my story. I intend to tell as many women as I can.