I had an abortion on Feb 17, 2012. This experience changed my life forever. I knew I was pregnant but was in a deep, dark denial because I wasn't really for motherhood and I knew my husband wasn't ready to be a father at the time. Once I took the pregnancy test and saw the results, I automatically was ready to throw in the towel. I remember my husband’s face and had a glimpse of hope of keeping the baby. Unfortunately, I called my best friend and asked for her guidance because she had multiple abortions once before. I remember her telling me that I don't want to be a mother because it is hard work and your life changes forever. After hearing that, I remember researching the abortion pill because I was afraid to actually go through the surgical procedure.
Once I made the initial appointment to go to the abortion clinic, I was apprehensive because I wanted to keep the baby but I knew I couldn't at the time. When I arrived at the clinic I remember seeing the protesters. The security guard escorted my husband and me inside the clinic.
While at the clinic, I remember being treated like a piece of meat and hating the fact that I was there. The energy in the waiting room was full of gloom, doom, and sadness. I remember going to get the ultrasound and realizing that I have a precious life inside of me. The abortion nurse just treated me with no respect and was very matter of fact with me. The counselors were useless because they asked me about getting the abortion and never told me about the post abortive symptoms. Once I saw the abortion doctor, he gave me the pills and instructions. I remember him telling me that taking the abortion pills was safer than driving a car. Who says that? I went home and got prepared for the "private" abortion. The private abortion turned into immediate pain and agony. I felt alone, sad, and hopeless. I also felt guilt and shame because my husband pretty much didn't have much of a voice in the situation.
Once the abortion was "over" on Monday morning, I got up and proceeded with life like nothing happened. I remember not wanting my husband to look at nor touch me. I also remember not wanting to ever have sex with him. I continued to cry day in and day out.
I knew I had to seek help and that is when I went to an agency that helps women who are post abortive. This was one of the best decisions I ever made in my life. I met with my counselor and disclosed my story to her. She was so comforting, safe, supportive and loving. I remember just crying and not caring what anyone had to say.
Going through counselor and support groups started the healing process. I remember the group facilitator telling me that my baby and God forgives me, I found comfort in knowing that because I thought God and my baby hated me. On my last night of my support group, one of the facilitators gave me a piece of paper with the information of the Rachel's Vineyard retreat. I contacted the coordinator for the retreat and never looked back. The Rachel's Vineyard retreat changed my life! I found help and forgiveness through God's Grace and knowing that my daughter was actually a baby and beginning of life. I had a chance to name her and shared my apologies, love, and hope to her and the rest of the participants in the Rachel's Vineyard retreat.