1. I had an abortion because when I told the father of the child I was pregnant, he said he didn't want to have any more children. He was very adamant about it. I can't remember if he actually said to "get rid of it" but I knew he didn't want "it" and I was a much weaker person at that time and I just "had to make him happy" even at the expense of my own son and the new life I had within me. [Pretty sick state I was in, wasn't it?]
2. During the procedure I felt like this was the right thing to do because it would make the father happy. I felt like I should have said STOP! I felt unimportant. As I watched the tubes next to me I felt sad...I remember saying goodbye to my baby...Maggie.
3. After the abortion, I felt like it was done and over...go on... the baby's father was happy. Life would be perfect.
4. As time went on after the abortion I started having a nagging feeling. The father of the baby and I ended up getting married. Once we had a conversation about a niece of his that had just delivered her baby. I compared it to my abortion. I said something to the effect of, "Even though I didn't actually have the baby, the abortion was painful but in a different way." He read the riot act to me telling me that I had no right to compare the birth of a baby to the abortion. His reaction brought back the memory of the actual procedure. I internalized it and went on.
Through the years I thought about my second child, a lot. I rarely discussed it with my husband because his belief is that soul doesn't enter the body until 3 days after birth. I felt to him it was no great loss. I would tell myself that the baby wasn't real because I had the abortion. However, I felt as if something was gnawing at me which usually led to thoughts about the baby. For some reason I knew from the day I had let "it" go, I just know my baby would have been a girl. Mentally I had a name for her: Margaret Elizabeth -- Maggie for short. Then I would tell myself, "No it's just my imagination. She's not real." Still the feelings and thought would come through. I already felt like an un-worthy human.
I started wondering if there were other women who had regretted an abortion. I'm not sure when, but about 10-15 years ago, I started searching the internet for abortion regret. That's when I found Rachel's Vineyard. When I found RV, I felt that I'd have to do it in secret and save the money to pay for it myself. I could never tell my husband what I needed to do. Rachael's vineyard was always in the back of my mind.
5. I found help and forgiveness through Rachael's Vineyard. In about 2009, I started making many changes in my life. First of all I was going just write a check out of my own money and go to Rachael's Vineyard. It was in February of 2010 that I went. It was the best thing I ever did! It was there that I felt the forgiveness of our Holy Father. I learned that Maggie was real and she is in heaven with Jesus. Maggie is like a little angel on my shoulder.
I know that God has forgiven me but I still am unable to completely forgive myself.