I had an abortion because I was scared.
Born and raised Catholic, I grew up receiving the sacraments, but never fully understood my faith. I thought that living a virtuous life was volunteering to help those less fortunate, making good grades, attending church on Sunday (although much less frequent when I went away to college)... All very outwardly good, but I lacked a personal relationship with Christ. Looking back now, I realize that I never really understood my faith. I began distancing myself from church teachings before I left for college, and then I moved out of my parents house to attend school. I would party every weekend and often during the week, dabbled in drugs and starting sleeping with guys who paid attention to me. Yet, I still found time to study - graduating with honors and volunteer to help those "less fortunate".
It was about a year after graduation. I was working full time for a non profit organization providing services for people with disabilities. I had moved to a new city with my boyfriend. We kept separate apartments so my mom wouldn't think that we were sleeping together. My boyfriend had epilepsy, which prevented him from getting a driver's license and relied on me to take him to work, doctor's appts, etc. We had just enough money to pay the bills and our student loans.
When I found out I was pregnant, my whole world turned upside down. I had taken a home pregnancy test, which turned out positive. I then called a doctor's office to see if they would test me. When I told the receptionist that the home pregnancy test was positive, she told me that the tests were 98% accurate and said "Congratulations!" My heart sunk because I did not share the same feeling. I was devastated. I scheduled an appt. with the doctor, but never made it.
I thought...How could I tell my parents? What would my friends and coworkers think? How can we afford a child? I've moved far from home, who can help me? If I move back, will I be able to find work? What if the child also has epilepsy?
I felt my only solution was abortion, and since it was early enough in the pregnancy I told myself that many doctors (experts) say that it is only a clump of cells. Although, deep down I knew better, I convinced myself that they were right so that my life wouldn't be inconvenienced. After all, if it's legal, how could it be immoral?
My boyfriend did not try to talk me out of it. So the decision was made, and I terminated my pregnancy.
Eventually, my boyfriend and I ended our relationship. I went back to partying and sleeping around. I was trying to find happiness through men and when eventually they didn't want anything to do with me, I started using them. I thought this was part of being a liberated women. I was so unhappy! I buried myself in work and helping others, but I was unfulfilled on the inside.
One night (a couple of years after the abortion), I was lying alone in bed when an overwhelming feeling of love and peace came over me. I felt God's love, although I wasn't sure what it was at the time. I cried like I hadn't cried before. Someone was praying for me, and I desired to attend church.
I attended a Mass and cried in the pews. I thought people are going to think that something is wrong with me. I don't want them to ask. I can't imagine admitting my sin. It took a few years (and many cries in the pews) when my desire to be back in the fullness of the Catholic Church finally worked its way through my fear.
I finally went to confession with a priest who has done a lot of work with Project Rachel. I felt SOOOO much peace after my confession and couldn't believe that I waited that long!!! In December 2011, I was married in the Catholic Church, in March 2011, I began early morning holy hour once a week, and in April 2011 attended a Rachel's Vineyard retreat. The retreat was an AMAZING experience. It's opened my eyes to many more of God's blessings in my life...so very powerful! I've also made very close relationships with some of the most amazing people I've met! I pray that more of us seek forgiveness and healing. GOD IS MERCIFUL! There is nothing keeping us from his love, but ourselves.