I live in Christ for my daughter

  Jessica
Texas,  United States
 
  My childhood dream was to be a mommy. Since when did this desire become so controversial? When the nurse verified my pregnancy, I went in shock because I was on the pill as ordered. I was never asked if I wanted to be on the pill, just like I was never asked if I wanted an abortion.
 
I already knew her name, but my boyfriend lectured me about how I couldn’t afford a baby; though, it was his false accusation that I cheated on him that sealed our fate. The only man I ever wanted to marry let me know in that moment I had to “take care of it” to prove my value to him. I immediately set the appointment; there was no counseling or ultrasound. My boyfriend gave me the money and had his friend drive me to the clinic. In the car, this friend told me he and his wife would never have an abortion. I hope he said this to change my mind, but it only added to the condemnation. Again, no one asked what I wanted.

I went in to the clinic, scared and in shock. I walked out alone and shattered. Instead of counseling I was told to change into the gown for my surgery. For some reason I was put all the way under. While under anesthesia I did sense my baby being taken from me. I heard her cry, “Mommy, don’t let them take me!” at which point I woke up screaming for her – that I wanted my baby. I later found out hearing your child is not unusual; why does no one talk about this?

The only evidence she ever existed rests on a piece of paper. I took Alyssandra’s life and no one cared. My life immediately deteriorated; there was nothing left to live for and I spent nine years living in a way that put my life at risk in any given moment. When my friends were pregnant, I couldn’t maintain the friendship. Though I was happy for them the guilt of taking my child’s life was too painful.
 
The only grace I had left was my desire for absolute truth. If it was a true choice, then why did it kill Alyssandra and almost kill me? I made a choice but it was not a decision. Exactly nine years after my abortion I realized absolute truth in God, in the Catholic Church. Now, I live in Christ for my daughter, Alyssandra, and this is why I am silent no more.
   
   
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