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Debbie
Indiana,
United States
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I had an abortion at 19 years old. I didn’t have the support of either my boyfriend or my mom or anyone close to me to have my baby. I didn’t know what else to do.
I was 8 weeks pregnant. I was having morning sickness and gaining weight. My boyfriend took me to Planned Parenthood. They asked me a series of questions. At the end, they said since I was unmarried, my mom wouldn’t help me, my boyfriend didn’t want to marry me, and that I smoked cigarettes and marijuana and drank alcohol, my only option was an abortion. They said my baby would most likely be mentally retarded or deformed due to my partying. They also said that the baby wasn’t formed yet and was just cells. When I told them I was scared, they said they could give me a laminaria.
They said it wouldn’t hurt at all, but it would be more money. I went out to the car to ask my boyfriend what to do and he gave me the extra money for the laminaria. I felt trapped, but I thought that maybe if I did this he would stay with me.
That night I started praying and decided to try to cancel the abortion. I called Planned
Parenthood’s emergency number and talked to a nurse who said that I would miscarry because of the laminaria, so I had to go through with it. Years later I found out from watching an ex-abortion doctor’s video that they lied, and that I could have safely had the laminaria taken out and kept my baby.
My mom took me the day of the abortion. I couldn’t quit shaking from the fear. The Planned
Parenthood nurse gave me a valium but I was not put to sleep. I was awake and alert through the whole thing. I remember the pain like a knife in my stomach and the sounds of the machine, and I remember the doctor yelling at me not to move. The medical assistant came running in after they took the bottle holding the contents of my baby out of the room. I asked what happened and she said that the bottle had broken. She didn't know what to do because she couldn't piece the baby back together. I remember feeling shocked and I asked if she knew the sex of my baby! They took me to the recovery room and I remember all the girls there with glazed looks and crying. Immediately afterward I felt shock that it was over. I felt some relief but also a deep sadness and emptiness which I numbed out.
Two weeks later I found out I had an infection in my tubes. The gynecologist told me I could lose the ability to have babies because the infection was so severe. He even asked me who messed me up like this. Strong antibiotics cured it, and I didn’t have to get surgery.
Afterward, I dropped out of a secretarial course I was taking because I felt so depressed. My boyfriend broke up with me about one month after the abortion, so having the abortion to keep him didn’t work. That summer I drank a lot of alcohol, did a lot of drugs, and even tried to kill myself with pills, but I woke up the next day. I kept hearing a baby crying in the wall.
As time went on after the abortion I felt anger and rage and a deep pain inside. I started to drink heavily, went from relationship to relationship because I didn’t trust men anymore, had depression, anger, nightmares, and eating disorders. I went to several counselors in my 20’s but couldn’t seem to shake the shame and guilt. I couldn’t be around kids because I felt so undeserving. Every September, which would’ve been my baby’s due date, I would mark off in my mind how old my child would be.
I found help and forgiveness through Jesus Christ. In 1992 when I was 32, I went to a church where I finally knew He was real and that He loved me, and I surrendered my life to Him.
In 1995 I met my husband at a Christian singles group. He was unlike anyone else I had ever dated. He had been a Christian for many years and was very solid in his faith. He treated me with respect and kindness. We dated for a year, and we stayed abstinent until marriage. I got pregnant after only 2 months of marriage, which was a miracle. I had my daughter on my 37th birthday, January 22, 1997. The anniversary of Roe v. Wade is our birth date.
After 18 years of emotional pain because of my abortion choice and because I still struggled so much with feeling like I didn’t deserve my daughter, I went for a post-abortion Bible study. By working through a Bible-based workbook and talking with other women, I found forgiveness in Jesus and finally forgave myself. I mourned my baby, and my husband spiritually adopted him at a memorial service. I felt impressed from the Lord that he was a boy, so we named him Samuel after the prophet.
God blessed me with another son, who was born 12 weeks early because of placental abruption, Although he had a 45-day hospital stay, he is healthy today with no long-term repercussions from his birth.
I finally feel free of the shame and guilt and because of God’s great forgiveness. I am silent no more!
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