Numbness and Silence

	Eva California, United States

	I chose abortion because I was conflicted with too many career changes. I had just started a new job in teaching, had bought a new house, and had three years of married life (while a student at a university) under my belt. Fear and responsibility took hold of me, and I couldn’t handle any more big changes. I saw the teaching position as my only opportunity. I was an emotional mess, and I looked to my husband for direction. He affirmed the abortion. The plans were made. and the decision was carried out. I don’t recall my abortion, I just remember the hospital. There was numbness and silence that weekend. My husband comforted me, but it was under odd circumstances. Later, I experienced more depression, loneliness, fear, and general disconnection with others. I saw a psychologist several times for these conditions with no results. The diagnosis was always the same, difficult childhood and hormonal imbalance. Nevertheless, I had two pregnancies and continued to struggle with fear and anxiety as I raised my family. My divorce after 38 years of marriage came as a shock. I struggled to make sense of it and enrolled in a divorce care class. Later, though Rachel’s Vineyard, I learned to connect some of my struggles to the abortion I had over thirty years ago. I came to understand forgiveness. Time has helped me understand that having the child in God’s time would have been very valuable in my career. Our parents could have been helpful. They could have lightened the load of family rearing in a joyous way. My husband and I reared the children by ourselves with little help from relatives. We never spoke of the abortion and had poor communication throughout our marriage. It has taken me five years to write this testimony, and I thank you for the opportunity to share my story, as I know how valuable other people’s stories were in my healing.

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