Hurt

  Sarah
New Jersey,  United States
 
  On July 24th 2013, I had an abortion. I was 16 years old and my boyfriend was 18. And, to me, being pregnant was the scariest thing in the world. It still is.

I found out I was pregnant that May, and Eric and I were trying to raise money to get the abortion payment secretly. Neither of us had jobs at the time, so it was virtually impossible. So we told his patents first, then mine.

The following Wednesday I was having the procedure done.  I was mostly indifferent to having an abortion till I got to the clinic.  Before going my mother told me that if they asked me if I wanted to see the ultrasound to refuse. But, being the defiant teen, I looked anyway. And, for some reason, this made everything so much worse.

I don't remember the doctor that preformed the abortion as I was under anesthesia. But I remember this one very sweet nurse, and she was the only one in that building who made me feel comfortable. And she made it all okay. My boyfriend and my parents sat in the waiting room, and all I wanted was for him to be in there with me.

Afterwards, in the following days, I felt okay. But as the days went by, I just became extremely miserable. I was so low, and I couldn't figure out why. I turned to self-mutilation because I felt that I deserved to be punished. And, in all honesty, I still do.

Having an abortion was one of the hardest things I've ever done.  As of tomorrow, it will be one year since I had it. Eric thinks that it's time I move on. But I don't think I can, and I don't know if I ever will.  All I know is that it hurts. And I don't want to sweep this pain under the rug any more.

   
   
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