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Juli
North Carolina,
United States
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I was a 21 year old party animal, newly married to someone I hardly knew. I went from living in North Carolina to New York, which is where I originally lived. The marriage wasn’t working out, and I was having serious doubts about it. Why did I marry him? Why would I have married someone I didn't even know? I told him we shouldn’t be together, and that’s why I ended up moving back home.
That’s when I met Logan. Since Triston and I weren’t officially divorced, my little rendezvous with Logan would be considered an affair. I look back at it now and consider what Logan and I had as puppy love. He and I moved super-fast and got a place together. Little did we know that I had conceived a child.
After about five months of being together, we called it off, and I moved to Virginia Beach with a close friend of mine. Triston and I decided to work things out at that point. I didn’t know that new start would consist of partying and being irresponsible. Things went completely the opposite of what I had hoped. I was drawn into drinking and partying, and I completely lost my independence from alcohol. I only stayed in Virginia for about two months before realizing that I needed to get away from that scene. Back to New York I went.
I was living with my sister who was pregnant. I was so excited to be having another nephew! It was summer time, so, of course. I would go out with my friends once in a while and grab a drink or ten. I got a good job at Cellphone Help Line. Things had begun to look up. I was going for runs and getting fit. So I thought. I was wondering why I hadn’t lost any weight. One night while I was going for my walk, I got a super sharp pain in my kidney and noticed weird spots on my belly. I took myself to the ER. They did the normal blood test, weight, and insurance information. Then they asked if I could be pregnant. I jokingly said, "Yeah, I would be five months, if that’s the case". While waiting for the MRI, the doctor came in and said I tested positive for being pregnant.
I went in the next morning to get an ultrasound to see how far along I was. The truth of the length of my pregnancy surprised me. How could I be so far along and not know it? How on earth did I not know? Why didn’t I have any signs? Up on the screen was a little boy. I don’t know exactly what went through my mind at that moment, but I felt so ashamed. I had been partying the entire time I was pregnant. Would he come out with defects? I couldn’t be a single mother! I wasn’t ready! I felt guilty about being pregnant with someone I was not even with, when Triston and I were trying to work on our marriage. I never planned on having a baby that wouldn’t have a family.
Triston and I talked about it, and we went with abortion. I had always been against abortion until I was put in such an awkward and guilty situation. We traveled from New York to Florida for it. To this day I have not forgiven myself.
My marriage to Triston had failed. I resorted to drinking alcohol to ease the pain and guilt I felt from killing my own child. I ended up getting a DUI half a year ago. I have had continuous demons with alcohol abuse. I thought my entire world was coming down on me, even after almost two years.
Since the DUI I’ve gotten back into counseling. I have found faith. My first true love came back into my life, and I found out I’m expecting. I am currently 6 1/2 months pregnant with another beautiful baby boy. Although Cohen Atlee (my angel baby) isn’t here today, I know he looks over his mommy and baby brother Soren Lukas. I’ve realized that dwelling on the things you cannot change only limits you, only keeps you from being happy. Do I still get heartbroken over my abortion? Of course but I’ve been blessed with a second chance. I may not have been ready a few years ago, and I may not be completely ready now, but I would never want to suffer the pain I went through.
Both of my sons are my driving force. They are my reason to become the best me I can be. I am 23 years old, and have taken great strides in getting through this difficult time. Cohen has definitely impacted my life in ways that many people will never understand if they have never been through it. From here on out, I made an oath to myself, my boys, and God to do things that all of us would be proud of. I want no regrets, only lessons learned. We can all get through it. Sometimes it just takes timing and a second chance :) Stay strong.
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Silent No More Awareness Campaign: Reach Out - Educate - Share
www.silentnomoreawareness.org |
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