If Only I Would Have Known
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Haylee
Kansas,
United States
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I was in high-school and had recently had two prior pregnancies with the father. Both ended tragically, the first one in the third month and the second in the fourth. My family was a very Catholic family and the pain I had caused them already was too much to bear. The father had already moved on several times. The last night I was with him, he raped me. I knew then we had no future together.
A few weeks later I discovered I was pregnant with our third child. I just couldn't bear the thought of going through it all again with my parents, and I was scared to death of what the father might try to do once the child was born. Take him or her away from me or not let me put the baby up for adoption? I just didn't want my child to have to deal with the father ever.
Once I decided what I thought at the time was the best thing I had a friend take me to the clinic. The next thing I remember I was drugged and the doctor was already doing the abortion. He wasn't gentle with me or my child. They gave no comfort at all.
The next thing I knew I woke up, horrified. I was in a room with about 30 other women. One was hysterically crying in the bed next to me. I felt completely numb. I couldn't believe my eyes. I got up and left. I was supposed to go back for a checkup and decided against it.
After I went into a depression and dropped most of my friends who didn't understand what I was going through, I spent the next five years pretty much alone and strung out on hard drugs. I met my husband on the Internet when I was 23 he helped me get off the drugs.
Since then I have been unable to conceive, which is devastating to me, my husband and our family's. If only I would have known the terrible and devastating consequences to my actions. If only I knew then how desperately I would want my child back. I have been to confession several times and pray daily for healing and, through time, I have been able to forgive myself. I pray daily for all three of my children and that's why I'm silent no more
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Silent No More Awareness Campaign: Reach Out - Educate - Share
www.silentnomoreawareness.org |
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