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Susan
California,
United States
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Growing up I was firmly pro-choice. I felt that abortion was a necessary evil. As a teenager/ young adult I struggled with depression and led a "party heavy" lifestyle with lots of drinking and promiscuity. At the age of 24 I had failed out of college and had lost a number of jobs due to irresponsibility. In March of 2003 I became pregnant shortly after starting to date my now husband. I never even considered the possibility of keeping my baby. I honestly didn't think it was an option. I'd just started dating my then boyfriend and didn't trust the relationship. I didn't have a job, I was drinking heavily at the time, and I didn't think my family would accept an out of wedlock baby. I couldn't imagine the pain of giving a baby up for adoption. I didn't allow myself to think of it as a real child and set up the abortion.
The experience at the clinic was surreal. There was a waiting room full of women/girls. I guess the clinic did a whole batch at one time. I remember seeing the ultrasound picture and hearing that the baby was six weeks old. The procedure was extremely painful, and I remember the staff being cold and distant, but maybe that was me trying to remove myself emotionally from the experience. I was given birth control pills and sent home.
Immediately after the abortion I felt profound sadness and regret. I didn't think I'd done anything wrong by having the abortion -- I felt that becoming pregnant was the problem. In the months following the abortion I struggled deeply with depression. I withdrew from friends and family, from everyone except my boyfriend. I began to feel conflicted about sexual relations with my boyfriend, which continued even after we were married. I knew that my abortion was the cause of these issues but I still hadn't come to terms with the fact that I had done a grave wrong -- that I had killed my child.
It wasn't until my conversion to the Catholic faith that I began to really understand the value and sanctity of human life and understood what I had done -- that I had taken away a life. As I look at my three living children, I think of what my first child would have looked like, what their personality would have been, etc. I will always regret my abortion. It was the greatest mistake of my life.
I have found help and forgiveness through faith in God's love and the sacrament of confession. I hope to eventually participate in a healing program so that I can truly forgive myself. I am silent no more in the hopes that my words could possibly help another woman choose life for her child.
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Silent No More Awareness Campaign: Reach Out - Educate - Share
www.silentnomoreawareness.org |
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