Important to Speak About the Pain

  Barbara
South Carolina,  United States
 
  My name is Barbara from New Jersey

I was 32 when I had my abortion, married 13 years, having three beautiful daughters 12, 10, and 7. I feared my husband was seeing another woman. I am not sure how I felt when I told him I was pregnant and he said he did not want another child. I didn’t plan on getting pregnant; perhaps it was an unconscious hope of keeping my marriage together.

I called my OBGYN doctor and begged to have “IT” taken care of before the baby fully formed, as if this had not happened already.

My husband took me to the hospital and left me there to go pick up a piano I had wanted from a friend’s garage. After the procedure I was put into a regular hospital room in the maternity ward. I had discussed with my doctor of having my tubes tide. I remember crying and feeling empty inside.

At my follow up visit, the doctor left an index card telling what he had done on the corner of his desk, almost intentionally for me to see, and he left the room. There it was written on the corner of the card in pencil, “abortion.” This was October 1975.

 By January 1976 I had become suicidal and ended up seeing a psychiatrist for 6 months, always crying, but never discussing the abortion.  I learned my husband had been seeing another woman. I continued seeing a therapist, and I went back to school. I needed to know how I came to make the choices I had in my life.

I finally got divorced in 1992 and in 1995 went to a Healing Mass for Abortion in Steubenville, Ohio.  I named my baby in 2002, but it was at a Life in the Spirit Seminar in January 2014, it was almost as fresh as it was 38 years ago. I do believe God is Merciful and Forgiving, but I could not forgive myself.

Then at a Rachel’s Vineyard Retreat in March 2014 I talked and it shocked me how badly it hurt.  I realize now how important it is to speak about my pain and I am here to give my testimony.  I hope by being “Silent No More” I will be able to truly reach a state of forgiveness for myself.  I love you Liam.
   
   
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