Embarking on My Healing Journey

  Stephanie
California,  United States
 
  Relief...that is what I felt as soon as I left the abortion clinic.

How could I, who had just graduated from college, was staring my career, and was no longer with my boyfriend (father of my child) anymore, have a child?

I remember the day I found out I was pregnant, I burst into tears. How could I have put myself in this situation? I didn't even take the time to think about my situation. The first thing that popped to my head was getting an abortion. I told my ex about it as soon as I found out. He thought about us keeping the baby and trying to work things out. Having a baby does not solve our problems is what I thought. I gave him an ultimatum...either he supported me through the abortion or I would go behind his back and do it.
I scheduled an appointment as soon as I was able to get in.

I remember the day I called.  I was hoping that my friend would not answer the phone because she worked at the call center at Planned Parenthood. She would know who I was and would be the one scheduling my appointment to get an abortion. This could just not happen. As I waited for someone to answer my call, my heart beat was racing, and boom, my friend was the one to answer the call. I didn't know what to do, I hung up the phone. Was this a sign that what I was doing was wrong? Was God trying to tell me something? Who knows, but I called the next day and scheduled my appointment as it was not my friend who answered my call this time.

Before going in, I remember going online and reading about the procedure. I wanted to prepare myself. And prepared I was, I went in and out of the clinic. It was over, I could move on with my life. My ex was there for me those first few days after getting the abortion, and we kept in touch afterwards. He supported me, and for that I was happy, as many guys don't do such a thing or know that they have gotten a girl pregnant.

Months passed and I was not myself. I felt depressed, didn't want to do anything, and wouldn’t get out of bed unless I had to go to work. I knew I wasn't myself. Then I had a dream about a baby boy. It was my son, and from that day on everything just seemed to crash. I began having suicidal thoughts. I would cry a lot of nights. I could not live with myself. I decided to seek counseling.

The first therapist I met with was unbelievable, I sat there crying telling her my story and all she said to me was "I am sorry.  I don't know how to help you." I was even more devastated. I reached out to my friend who worked with therapists at the time, and she recommended a few people. I went to seek help somewhere else. My new therapist helped me out tremendously. I started doing counseling and then I did Rachel's Retreat, which was recommended by another friend. I fell in love with the program. I got so much help from my therapist and from the retreat.

At the retreat is when I began to get close to God, not very close though. I knew He was there and I understood that he forgave me for what I did. I was content with that. It hasn't been until recently that I have felt a calling from God. I feel the need to get to know Him better and serve Him. I find it silly to even say that, as I am just learning more about my Catholic faith. And as I embark on this journey, I have given a lot of thought as to what I have done. I don't think I have completely healed. Does anyone ever?

I feel I don't deserve to be happy and I don't deserve to have any children. Maybe this is why I put off being in a relationship? I feel even worse knowing that I have friends and family that are struggling to have kids and here I had an opportunity and didn't even give it a chance. I don't understand why I have been feeling this way lately, especially because I thought I had gone through all the proper steps to get over my depression.  Like I said, I know God has forgiven me, but I don't know how to forgive myself and move on with my life. I think the most difficult part about getting more into my faith is having to hear all the anti-abortion stuff that the Catholic Church has to say. I know they have to, but I just see it everywhere. I feel like it is being rubbed in my face.  I know what I did was wrong, but do I have to have this constant reminder over me?   I think this is also part of the reason why I have been dwelling on the situation. I get newsletters about standing outside Planned Parenthood to do protest from Catholic organizations. How could I do such a thing, when only a few years ago I was in the same clinic? How can I tell anyone what choice to make with their life when not so long ago I was in their place?  I didn't even think twice.

I would like to say this though...I think that when a person’s mind is made up, it is made up. There is not much persuasion that will convince them otherwise of their decision. I wish that instead of the Catholic Church or any organization really that is pro-life, standing outside abortion clinics protesting, telling women that what they are doing is wrong, that they are murders, etc...Why not take a different approach? At the time when I had gotten my abortion done, I thought that was it. The end of that. I had no idea the effect it would have on my future. Why not stand outside of abortion clinics and tell the women that they do not agree with what they are doing, but that is their choice (after all, God did give us free will). And instead of the protesting let the women know about the effects that may come after an abortion, the depression, suicidal thought, promiscuity, etc...and let the women know that if they ever need help, that they are there for them to help them out with whatever it is that they are going through, because isn't that what God would want us to do? Help our brothers and sisters out no matter the situation? As I type this now, I realize that I have a lot of forgiving to do myself. I hope that once I reach that spot, that I am able to move forward with my life and stop self-sabotaging myself. Maybe confessing to my mom will help me, who knows. All I know is that I am not completely healed and I don't know if I ever will. But I pray to God every day to help me with my situation.
   
   
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