They Don't Know

  Elizabeth
Oregon,  United States
 
  I was dating a great guy for almost a year when I became pregnant.  When I told him, his reaction was horrible.  He told me he wasn't ready for a child, and he made an appointment for me at Planned Parenthood. I was so scared.  I met him in a parking lot, and he drove me to the facility.  In the waiting room, he paid almost $500.  As he paid, I asked the receptionist, "If I change my mind, is the money lost?"  She looked at me so strangely, and then said, "Well, I guess, minus whatever procedure we do, like the ultrasound and the doctor seeing you."  I was numb.  It was like watching myself from above. 

We walked back into the room together, and the doctor came in and performed a vaginal ultrasound.  I could see the little baby.  She dated me at 5 weeks, two days.  But she said there was no heartbeat, and it wasn't viable.  She said it was probably a molar pregnancy.  My boyfriend let out the biggest sigh of relief and started to laugh and leaned over to hug me as I lay on the table.  My heart broke.  I knew it wasn't true.  At five weeks, sometimes you can't see the heartbeat yet.  There was no molar pregnancy on that screen.  The doctor lied to me to make me feel more comfortable, and to make me go through with it.  I couldn't make up my mind.  I asked for some time to think.  The doctor and my boyfriend looked at me and both kept assuring me, "It's not going to live anyway!"  "It's a molar pregnancy!"  "There is no heartbeat."  "Just take the medication." 

So I did.

That night, I had terrible cramping, and I lost my baby into the toilet bowl.  I flushed my child down the toilet. 

I immediately regretted everything.  My boyfriend tried to comfort me, but I didn't want to even look at him.  I hated him.  I broke up with him a few weeks later.  I had been lied to, pressured, and abandoned.  

I know there are women in this situation right now.  The shame and guilt have not gone away.  The fear, the dirty little secret is still there.  People look at me and say "Why are you pro-life? You have no idea what it's like for these women!" But I do, I have just been too afraid and too embarrassed to share the truth.  Pro-life friends look at me and say "How could any Christian DO THAT?!"  And they don't know that they are talking to a woman who was there, who did that.  And that's why I am SILENT NO MORE!
   
   
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