I Am Not the Same

	Zynette California, United States

	The big reason and, as far as I know, the only reason why I had an abortion was because "I was afraid it would interfere with my existing job." I was 19, had dropped out of college, and gotten a wonderful job as a flight attendant for a nice airline company. I loved my job, loved working for the public, and then I found out that I was pregnant. It took a few weeks before I could get an ultrasound but, when I finally had the appointment I found out that I was 9 weeks pregnant. I looked at the photo, and I was nervous and excited all at the same time. I loved the child I had in me, I looked at my baby as a blessing. I planned on telling my boyfriend, the father, the good news when I saw him in person in a couple days. But the next day I was back on the job, and I realized that I couldn’t do my job and have a baby at the same time. I had to make a choice, keep the job that I just got or have a baby. I would soon find out that my insurance would pay for nearly the full procedure, all I had to pay was $15. It hit me that $15 was nothing at all and I could get this done and forget about it. I decided on not telling my boyfriend. He would have wanted the child and I thought it best that I make my own decision. I did not want him pressuring me on keeping what I had. I called and made an appointment for an abortion at a clinic in Las Vegas but I was unable to keep this appointment due to flight delays. A few days later and I made an appointment at a clinic in Houston. I was 11 weeks pregnant when I aborted my child. The clinic was so normal, it reminded me of a dentist office. I was expecting some dark place but it was the opposite. I did my paperwork and paid my $15 and then they called me back. I was treated with kindness and respect, in fact I had a little laugh with the nurse over some crazy topic. After the ultrasound the nurse got me ready, and I knew what would come next. I started thinking about not doing it, about my boyfriend and how he would never approve of what I was doing, about the baby I had in me, and about how my child would be gone in just a few moments. But then I started thinking about my job and knowing that I could not do it if I had a baby. I never told the doctor no, and, before I knew it, I had a needle in my arm and a mask over my face and I was asleep. I found myself in the recovery room and I kept myself from showing any emotion. My body felt like it had been opened up, and I could feel emptiness where my baby had been a while ago. I started wishing I could turn back time, but I knew I had no second chances. A few days later I was back on the job, doing what I loved and looking at all the babies and little kids. I wished I was still pregnant but I had made my decision and that decision was final. A couple weeks later I was back with my boyfriend. I did my best in not showing any emotional changes but it was not easy. That night we started having sex and in an instant I started crying uncontrollably. He wanted to know what was wrong but I could not tell him. He hugged me and comforted me, asking what was wrong but I still could not tell him. But after several minutes I told him that I had an abortion. He was seriously angry with me, and I had never seen him like that before. He asked me a ton of questions, and I told him everything. He got out of bed, got dressed, and walked out of the apartment. I have never seen him again. Two years later and I give him credit for not calling me names, not slapping me or hitting me, and not telling anybody else about what I did. My boyfriend was a good man, and I ended up losing him because of an awful decision. Some people say that abortion is just a procedure, that abortion is just a mass of tissue that you do not want, and that abortion makes everything better. But I will tell you that this is not true. I lost my baby, I lost my boyfriend, and I lost myself. The healing and forgiveness took nearly two years. I found myself a Christian counselor, a lady who had an abortion herself. I know that God has forgiven me, but I am still in the process of forgiving myself. I did write my boyfriend a letter, and I had a friend hand him the letter personally, but I am not sure if he has or will ever read it. I will not contact my boyfriend ever again, but I hope that one day he will contact me. I have had no other relationships since that day, and I do not know when or if I will. Intimacy is not easy for me, it becomes a nightmare just thinking about it. I am still a flight attendant, still work for the same airline, but I am not the same. Today, my child would be 18 months old. I will never forget what I did. Thanks to my counselor for making me write this out and making me be silent no more.

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