Living Every Day

  Sarah
California,  United States
 
  I was 22, a senior in college, and in a bad relationship filled with drugs and verbal abuse.  I was in a bad place, yet my studies were going well, and I was ready to graduate into the next chapter of life. I was on a mission in life and nothing was going to stop me.  I came from a strong Catholic family and having any issues was not to be shown to outsiders.  I had an abortion for many reasons.  I didn't want to interrupt what I had going with school and my plan for life, I didn't want this child to have anything to with his father, I felt my life would be 18 years of hell and custody battles, I felt my parents would kill me, and I was very embarrassed. 

Prior to my abortion, God gave me signs for me to not do this.  When shopping for clinics, I accidently called a day care center with children playing in the background.  I had many lovely dreams of my baby and life with a child.  They were nice dreams.  On my way to the abortion, we nearly slid off an off ramp in a snowstorm. 

I recall being in the waiting room and seeing mostly young women such as myself with their female friends.  I recall seeing one young girl there with her parents.  I was disgusted that I saw no men there (besides the one father).  I hated men at that moment.  I filled out my paperwork.  They called me in and I laid on the table.  I made sure that I would be under general anesthesia during the procedure.  I recall the doctor coming in, and he was so cold.  No personality.  I was eight weeks pregnant.  I would have done it sooner, but I had to wait according to the clinic.  I looked at my child as a "thing", like a tumor that I wanted removed.  I knew it was a baby though.  I think I had my legs in the stirrups when I was put under.  I recall waking up in a fetal position on the table crying hysterically.  I was naked from the waist down and completely humiliated.  A nurse came in and was cold as well saying something like, "Are you okay?" in a very snarky way.  She cleaned up a bit and left.  Another came in and offered a bit more comfort.  I left and my friend (who also had a prior abortion) and I met up with a friend at a diner.  I recall she asked me how I was feeling, and I think I recall saying I felt relieved.  I pretended like it was nothing and continued eating my meal.  I then walked home in a blizzard because I wanted to be alone.  I got back to my room to nap, and I get a call and it was my Mom.  The only person I told in my family was my brother, who was against it.  My mom wondered why I was napping and then proceeded to scold me for napping the middle of the day.  I remember saying to her "If you knew what kind of day I had, you would know why I was napping!"  We hung up on each other. 

After the abortion, I told the father what had happened.  He had no idea I was pregnant.  I hated him and wanted him to have nothing to do with this decision.  He was alarmed when I told him, and he came over to my dorm room.  He wasn't in college.  I was so angry with him, and I don't recall him condemning me.  But we got into a fight, and I told him we are done and to get out.  That ended that.  I had no trust in men....in fact, I hated them.  My drug use stopped for a bit but, when I got out of college, it got worse.  I was clubbing all the time and just didn't give a damn about anything.  I finally saw where my life was going, and I decided I needed a change of pace, so I moved to CA.  I never touched another drug again.

I never really thought about my abortion or had any regrets until maybe four years ago.  I was engaged and living a good life.  I came back to the church.  After getting married, my longing for a child became more.  This is when it all began to surface.  I attended a Rachel's Vineyard retreat and I found forgiveness in my decision.  After the retreat, I wrote a letter to my 22 year old self and that was healing.  There are still days I wake up wanting to beat myself up over this, but I do all I can within my power to stop those thoughts.  I am still working on forgiveness for myself.  I recently told my parents.  It took years to do that.  Not easy.

And this is why I am silent no more!  I would never wish this on my worst enemy.  It's a decision that I have to live with every day.  I now mourn the month it occurred and his birthday month.  Mother's Day is hell for me.  I want to share my pain with others, not to burden them, but to show the reality of abortion.  I am Pro-Life and Pro-Women! And I am silent no more!
   
   
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