A Non-Person

	Fred Indiana, United States

	I met Linda at a Catholic Young Adult Retreat. Soon after the retreat, I called on Linda, and we started going out. I was going to college in a master’s degree program in Guidance and Counseling. Linda was a nurse in labor and delivery. Our relationship progressed quickly, and, within weeks, we were practically living together, including having sexual relations. In the spring after we had become engaged, we had sex. We were using a condom as Linda was fertile. We were planning a wedding in August. To our mutual horror, we found that the condom had broken. We found we were pregnant, and Linda arranged an appointment almost immediately at Planned Parenthood. There was no discussion, as I was afraid that I might lose her if I even spoke of keeping the child. Linda seemed more concerned of how her family would react since she came from a white collar, Catholic family. My family was a Protestant-oriented family, but we did not have a particularly strong Christian influence. However, I had joined the Catholic Church about two years before I had met Linda. Although I was new to the faith, I knew this abortion was wrong, but I was too afraid to even mention the subject. We went to the Planned Parenthood clinic, and Linda said that she was here for an abortion. When we went to the so-called counseling session, Linda said that the abortion was what "she" wanted, and I wasn't even spoken to. Essentially, I felt as if I was a non-person there. Linda was prepped for the procedure, and I was escorted to a waiting room. Soon, Linda was up on a table, and I was just there to hold Linda's hand. All I can recall about the procedure was Linda on the table and the sound of suction machines. I was just numbed by the procedure and hurting inside. I wanted so much to say something, anything, to make it stop. I hurt so bad inside, and I had nobody to talk to. Weeks later, at my insistence, we went to the Sacrament of Reconciliation together. We did not go to our church or to our pastor out of fear of how we would be treated. We were in the midst of marriage preparation. Linda insisted that we never mention the abortion again. We just acted like it never happened, but, in my mind, I could not let it go. We were married in August. I was sinking into depression. Even though I had graduated with a Master’s degree the previous winter, I couldn't find a job except working at a fast food restaurant. Linda, on the other hand, seemed to just go on without any effect. Years passed on. We were blessed with two children. I still had my depression and difficulty with jobs, even after I gained a second bachelor’s degree in religious studies. One of my dreams was to be a youth minister. I got my dream, but I was still cursed with that depression, because I did not feel worthy of the ministry. I lasted two years in the ministry, along with the blessing of another child. My difficulties with my career continued, as I was a stay-at-home dad for the most part. I didn't feel worthy as a parent and I sunk lower. We moved to Indiana for another job. Linda said to me, “You either keep this new job or we are done.” Well, the counseling job lasted six months, and I waited for Linda to end the marriage. We made it through the summer where I broke my leg, found out we were pregnant again, and her beloved cocker spaniel died. In November, Linda confronted me and said that I should get any job and move out. I made it through the holidays and the birth of our fourth child when I got a factory job, and I was asked to move out. I left our family when my youngest was two weeks old. Linda had left the Catholic Church shortly after I left, and she has taken the four children to a Protestant church. I went to a couple of counselors and went through several jobs. I had financial issues because of my spotty job record at times. I even went to jail for six months because I was behind on child support and out of work several times. I worked steadily after this, even though most were near minimum wage positions. The depression still remains, although I have been able to get treatment for it. I have been fortunate to have retreat programs at my church that have helped me grow spiritually. I am looking to grow now as far as healing from the abortion, including how to share it with my family. One of my pro-life friends told me to name the child. I prayed, and I named the child Julianna Marie. Now I have learned that Our Mother Mary cares for Julianna until I can join her there in heaven. After more than thirty three years I am seeking the true healing and forgiveness of God and my family, and I truly can be Silent No More!

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