Those Hurting Need to Hear the Truth

  Anita
Saskatchewan,  Canada
 
  I had an abortion just under 50 years ago and, even after all these years, I regret what I did. I snuffed out the life of my child because the father of my baby refused to marry me, and I was more concerned about my reputation than I was about my baby’s life. I allowed myself to be pushed into having an abortion. My unplanned pregnancy happened in a time when being pregnant outside of marriage was looked on as a disgraceful thing, a reason for shunning both the mother and child.

 I knew abortion was wrong but somehow all of this seemed like it wasn’t real, that one morning I would wake up and realize it was all a bad dream. So I allowed myself to be pushed into seeking an abortion. I felt backed into a corner with no other way out.

A part of me died the day my baby died. I did not grieve or feel angry. I just felt numb, cold, empty, and a deep sadness. I felt disassociated, somehow disconnected from it all. I decided that day that for as long as I lived, I would never tell anyone about this and that I would go on with my life as though nothing had happened.

Right after the abortion I started having trouble sleeping. I became very anxious about insignificant things, had anxiety attacks, and became progressively more depressed. Self-esteem and poor self-image, which had been problems from early childhood, became worse. My faith had always been a very big part of my life, but at this point I turned away from that because I believed that I could not be forgiven for what I had done. I was also in a state of denial, to the point where I wondered how any woman could go through with having an abortion.

For 14 years after the abortion, I lived in denial and became more and more of an emotional wreck. I became addicted to tranquillizers and sleeping pills, and I often added alcohol to the mix. On the outside to family and friends I was able to maintain an image of normal life. But there came a day where I knew I needed to do something about the way I was living. I knew I had to return to my spiritual roots, and so I went to see a priest. For the first time I told someone that I had had an abortion. And I experienced God’s mercy in a very powerful way that day.

I knew that God had forgiven me, but it took many more years of searching for healing to come to a place where I could forgive myself. That search ended when I finally came to awareness, that all my problems were connected to the abortion. In April of 2007, I attended a Rachel’s Vineyard weekend retreat. Through this retreat I was able to acknowledge and grieve the loss of my son, to let go of all the shame and guilt, and to be able finally to forgive myself.

Now I will be silent no more because others who are hurting as I was hurting need to hear the truth and need to know that there is help and healing available. My hope is that by speaking out about my experience others will find healing too or, better still, will choose life for their child.
   
   
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