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Paul
California,
United States
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Dearest Zackary,
This year would have been your 25th birthday. I apologize and ask for your forgiveness for the “would have been” in that statement. I know you have forgiven me, and I know you are in the presence of Jesus, who has also forgiven me. I ask for strength from Jesus to find a way to forgive myself.
You are probably asking why it has taken me 25 years to write you a letter. I have no excuse. From the beginning, out of convenience, I just put you out of my mind and deep into my unconscious. Out of convenience I didn’t put up a fight for you. As you know, as you look at my heart, it is no longer convenient. You have seen me and your mother struggling both consciously and unconsciously over killing you out of convenience.
Blindly, we took your life so we could keep up a completely fake image of being good people in the eyes of our parents and the community. We moved into a world of forbidden guilt, unable to share the fact we took your life. As you know, your mother and I confessed to a priest at our marriage encounter that we had had an abortion. As I write this I notice the extreme difference between “killing you and taking your life” and the word “abortion”. I think that is the level I did my confession, at the abortion level. Like a mechanical Mike I was just going through the motions. As your 25th year is upon us, I am now experiencing the loss at the “killing you and taking your life” level.
It wasn’t until just recently I realized that would have been an amazing older brother to your sister and brother. There is that “would have been” again. As you know your mother and I did a good job raising your sister and brother, and we would have done the same with you. And I know your brother struggles with the fact that he is the last one to carry on the family name.
Family game night would have been amazing with an older brother. I wonder what sports you would have picked, because as you know, you would have had to pick a different sport each season. You would have been my first whomp buddy, but I deprived you of that and so many other things—sand castles, making snow angels, skateboarding, cards, friends, church, saying our really long prayers mentioning all family and friends, popsicle stick races, camping, trick or treating, grandparents…life.
I can’t wait to see you in heaven, if I am granted a place with you. I want to hold you as a baby. I want to play ball with you as a young man. Sit around a campfire and make s’mores and tell stories where each family member adds a sentence.
Thank you for the opportunity to write this letter to you. You are helping me begin the process of healing from the horrible choice of killing you 25 years ago. I love you Zackary.
From,
Your “would have been” father
Paul
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