I was in an abusive marriage, and my daughter was being
abused as well. I reasoned within myself that it was not fair to bring another
child into this situation, so I had my first abortion in August of 1991.
In December of 1991 I found out I was six weeks
pregnant. I was still in the abusive
marriage, so I had another abortion.
By February of 1992, I found myself unable to cope and
planned suicide. I cried out to God and said, “Just take me home, I can't
handle anything anymore.” He showed me a
picture of my daughter's face in my mind and told me if I couldn't find the
strength to go on for myself I'd better find it for her because she needed me.
So I tightened up the bootstraps and went forward. I buried everything.
Five years later I was at church and the first words out of
my pastor’s mouth was, “I knew you before you were formed in your mother's
womb.” I did not realize it was Sanctity
of Life Sunday morning. I grabbed my Bible and my keys and said to myself, “I'm
out of here, whenever head is bowed and every eye is closed. I can't handle
this.” The Lord spoke to me and said
"No, I want you to stay. You need
to hear this." So I stayed. I can't remember anything that was said. I
never raised my head. I never stopped crying.
I then remembered each visit to the abortion clinic. I
remembered seeing other women sitting in the waiting room. I remembered being taken into a counseling
room and a woman asked me, "Are you sure this is what you want to
do?" I remembered being on the table in the procedure room. I remembered seeing
the doctor and the nurse. I remembered
hearing the sounds of the suction of the machine used to perform the abortion.
I remembered the pain.
I left the church that morning as fast as I could. I got
home and I cried for hours. I said to God, “I should die for what I’ve done.”
The Lord spoke to me and He said "Just as I am here with you now, I was
with you then and I still love you." I knew by the end of the day that God
had forgiven me.
But it wouldn’t be until 2011 that I could forgive myself, which
I did after going through an abortion recovery and healing program. Having the abortions caused depression and
doubts in relationships, in that it was very hard to allow myself to get close
to anyone, even as much as I wanted to. I felt as if I was not a good mother to
my daughter.
Because of God's love, forgiveness, Mercy and grace for me
and knowing He'll never turn away from me, I know God's healing. I know He has
forgiven me and healed me. I am now a licensed minister and I tell my story, determined
to be silent no more, in hopes that others will turn away from having an abortion
and that those who have had one know that there is healing through God's
forgiveness and his love.