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Laura
Colorado,
United States
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I was very young when I first realized I was pregnant. I was 14. I had the abortion because I already decided I would have an abortion if I ever got pregnant before I was ready. I was raised during the time when abortion was becoming legal and protests were often on the news. No one ever talked to me about whether or not it was good or bad. In junior high, I wrote a paper for English class making a case for abortion. I didn't get much feedback except from one friend. I told her, "You never know what you will do until it happens to you.” Sadly, I escorted her to the same abortion clinic when we were in high school.
The actual abortion just seemed like a very clinical process to me. It was my very first gynecological exam. I think I was feeling very mature at the time, as though I had reached some feminine milestone. Anyway, the staff was very systematic, flat in their expressions, emotionless in their words and demeanor. I was escorted to an exam room, given a view master type device, and directed to watch some animated presentation of the abortion procedure. Then I had an exam. I recall the women in the room discussing among themselves the size and location of the embryo. I do not recall the actual words used to describe my baby. I was then taken to the procedure room where I met the doctor. I believe I was already positioned on the table. He was the only one I actually recall who smiled and seemed friendly. I laid there while they did the abortion, and I remember some sounds and not very much discomfort. It never occurred to me at the time that my baby might be having a different experience. I never imagined the baby might have any sense of pain. I truly only thought about myself.
I went to a recovery room where I had juice and cookies. My mom came and stayed with me. I don't recall any conversation. Once I was able to dress, I was taken back to the exam room where I was asked how I felt. I said, "Relieved." I later saw in a pro-choice news article that aimed to justify the act by stating that the majority of woman expressed relief.
My mom drove me back towards home, and I asked her to stop by the workplace of my boyfriend so I could give him some of the literature about the abortion. He would not take it, and I think we broke up shortly after for a time. I realize now I must have felt resentful, even then.
I continued in my promiscuity for a couple more years and, eventually, got pregnant again. I was not using birth control consistently. This time I was 17. I was about to have my 18th birthday in a few days. The abortion procedure this time was a seaweed implant used to dilate my cervix. I was asked to wait outside the clinic for a few hours while it did its work. I recall sitting in the lobby of the hospital I was in and thinking about the irony that here I was having this abortion at the very hospital where I was born just 18 years before.
I recall going back to the clinic. They put me in a waiting area with other woman waiting for abortions. I remember they kept the lights off, and it was very dark and quiet. Again, I was taken to a procedure room where I met another friendly doctor. This time, as the procedure took place, I felt much more movement in my womb and wondered what they were doing. I never knew until much later what actually took place. I now find it too horrific to describe. When it was over and I began to sit up, I suddenly felt a need to cry. The doctor saw me and tried to tell me it was okay. I suppressed my feelings. He then said," You should really get a handle on this, it could really complicate things if you decide you ever want children." I remember thinking that no one had ever told me that. I kept silent.
As time went on, I think I had a fascination with children. I would just watch my friends’ kids for hours. At times I would calculate how old my own children might have been. If the subject of abortion came up, I would tell people, if I thought it was safe. It was okay with everyone I talked to about it, or at least I was never harshly rebuked, except by my mom.
By the time I was 30, I was becoming a Christian. It seemed like a gradual process and finally, in church, I was confronted with the reality of my actions. There was no doubt that my heart had changed. My church began a ministry to homeless, pregnant teens. It was then I came forward and shared my experience and asked to mentor one of the girls. Through that ministry, I met a woman who formally counseled me through a post-abortion program. I was relieved, finally, to express my grief, regret, anger, and resentment.
I am now 52. My abortions and all I have lost are still painful, but now I have hope through forgiveness. I have found healing through my ongoing education in the goodness of God. I am glad I can express the real truth now when the subject comes up. And yes, I am gaining courage to be silent no more.
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Silent No More Awareness Campaign: Reach Out - Educate - Share
www.silentnomoreawareness.org |
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