The only thing I ever wanted in life was to be a mom and have kids of my own. However, I knew at a young age that wouldn’t happen due to my disability, and I would have to get my tubes tied to keep from getting pregnant.
I remember the day they told me I was pregnant. I was at the doctor’s office with my mom getting ready for surgery to get the tubes tied and the doctor came back and told me they couldn’t do the surgery because I was pregnant! Now I would have to have an abortion first—then get my tubes tied. Even though I didn’t want the abortion, I was told that due to my disability I wouldn’t be able to carry the baby full term without a bunch of health risks. So, here I was—18 years old and having to make the hardest decision about my life. I had no clue it would change me forever. I’m not sure what my thoughts were, but I didn’t think of “it” as a “baby” because I was so early in my pregnancy.
The day I went to have the abortion, we drove an hour to the clinic. They took me to a room and started asking me a lot of questions. The whole time I felt really alone, because I wasn’t allowed to bring my boyfriend or my mom back with me. I did ask them how far along I was and they said almost two months. I don’t recall much about my abortion due to the fact that I was getting my tubes tied at the same time. All I remember is how alone, scared and empty I felt inside and the pain I had when I woke up.
When they brought me out to the waiting area, all I could do was cry and cling to my boyfriend. When we left the abortion clinic, there were protestors outside. I hid my face in my boyfriend’s chest as we walked to the truck, because I felt ashamed of what I had done. I don’t remember what they were saying, but I did see all the posters with pictures of babies on them.
For months I cried and tried to hide my pain so no one would see what I was going through. I felt so much regret but thought I had no choice because I couldn’t carry the baby full term. Several months later the baby’s father and I broke up, but the pain I had inside only got worse.
I was still in denial that I was hurting inside because of the abortion. In my mind it wasn’t a baby, and I felt that way until the day I was at the State Fair. There they had plastic babies at different stages of a pregnancy. It was then that it hit me. I had killed my baby! This brought on a whole new set of problems from suicidal thoughts, waking up in tears, deep depression and alcohol abuse. I didn’t want intimacy with anyone because I didn’t feel there was any reason. Why would any man want me if I can’t give him a baby?
Years after the abortion, I started having abnormal pap smears and going months without periods. Eventually they had to remove my uterus because I was having so many problems and was told I was badly scarred from the abortion. The truth is, I was scarred physically, emotionally, and spiritually. For years I hated myself, so how could God or anyone else forgive or love me? I wanted to die because was dead inside.
It took a long, long time but finally I started to do things that would help me cope with my past abortion and accompanying guilt. I started opening up more to others about how I was feeling. But the best healing was when I got connected to a group that helped me learn about forgiveness. I came to understand that God has forgiven me and that one day in heaven, I will see my baby again. This is why I choose to be silent no more and want to help others who have gone through abortion to be silent no more as well! In loving memory of my child Cody will not be silent no more.