His Healing

California,  United States
Over 30 years ago I found myself pregnant and did not want to be pregnant.  So I made an appointment to have an abortion. I was young and desperate for love, so I fell for that person who was going to give me that attention.  I was told by the clinic that there is something I could do about it.  I could get an abortion—after all, it was legal and used as a means of birth control.  Being uninformed, I thought that sounds easy and harmless.  After all, I was too young to have a child and not sure if I wanted to marry that person. I convinced myself that this was my only alternative. 

When that day came to go into my abortion appointment, I thought I was going to be greeted by a warm medical staff, like many of my doctor appointments growing up.  Instead, I was greeted with a cold environment, treated like a number, and I saw a look of disgust on the faces of the medical staff.  Right before the abortion procedure, I kept thinking, “God, what am I doing? I have a baby in me!”  As I lay on that ice cold table and room I convinced myself that I had to do this, that I had no other choice.  The sound of that machine and the look on the face of the staff seemed so callous.  The abortionist said, “Relax,” as if to say, “You wanted this.” Tears streamed down my face, and that sound of the machine kept overpowering my thoughts.  It seemed like an eternity.  Then it was finally over.  As I lay there I felt like my soul was ripped out of me. I felt so numb but still thought, “I needed to do this.”

After that day I never thought of what I did again. I stuffed it deep down into my heart and told not a soul for 25 years.  Later I began to experience, depression, anger, rage, shame, suicidal thoughts, flash backs of blood, babies crying.  I felt like a monster—after all, I didn’t deserve to have kids or have a happy life, after what I have done.  Migraine headaches were part of my life 20 days out of the month.  I suffered from severe backaches and had plenty of emergency room visits for pain relief.

I found healing after desperately wanting help from these ugly thoughts, of feeling like a monster and thinking about death and memories from the abortion, knowing I murdered six of my children.  After hearing a woman's abortion story and how she found hope and healing through Jesus, I knew I desperately needed that.  I no longer experience all or any of those symptoms, not once.

After God’s healing and my acceptance of His love and forgiveness and healing in my life, I will no longer be SILENT NO MORE!
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