I chose to have an abortion
when I was 19. At that time I was very
dysfunctional, alone, and confused. My
mother had died when I was 14 and, although I lived with my dad, he was hardly
ever home. He was depressed and
basically unable to parent. I was using
contraceptives but found myself pregnant.
The doctor I went to was very pro-abortion. She said, “Have an abortion, it’s easy.” Then she said, “It’s not really a baby, more
like a little spouted wheat seed at this stage.” What I really needed to know was that love
isn’t free and comes with responsibility, and the true facts of fetal
development! But I chose the
abortion.
After the abortion I felt a
strange emptiness. Not only was my child
gone but that special part of me that made me want to be a wife, mother, even a
woman, was damaged. I wanted to forget
and started to drink harder and do harder drugs. My boyfriend (the father of my aborted child)
suggested that we get married! He was
equally as confused and mixed up as myself.
We did get married, and I was pregnant again. I had to have an ultra sound at nine weeks
gestation. Still believing the lie that
a baby at that development is like a sprouted wheat seed, the truth really hit
home for my husband and I as we saw a very alive little human being on that
screen. That child was born a year to
the due date of our aborted child, and I had a hard time bonding with this
child. For 10 years my husband and I
struggled with addictions and in our relationship. We never discussed the abortion. What a mess!
While traveling, someone
shared their faith with us, and we became Christians. Then the start of our healing journey
began. I attended a Rachel’s Vineyard
retreat in 2007 and experienced an incredible healing there. All the help and healing, and the realization
that I loved being a woman, a wife, a mother, and now a grandmother has caused
me to be Silent No More.