I Can Still See the Baby

Illinois,  United States
I was abandoned by my parents at age 18 months and sexually abused by my adoptive father, between age 7 through 13.  I began to be promiscuous shortly after the abuse began at home.  I guess I was seeking love.  I know it's a rather strange response to the abuse.  I felt I was in control by having sex with whomever I wanted but, in retrospect, I realize I was in bondage, wanting to be loved, but trained or programmed to submit and afraid to say "no". 

The first pregnancy I planned with my boyfriend.  We wanted to get married and have the baby.  He signed up for the Army.  We didn't tell ANYONE until I was 6 months+ pregnant.  When my adopted mother found out she said “no.”  She'd raised all the children she was going to raise, and I felt I had to go along with the abortion.  She paid for my education from 1st grade through college.  I felt indebted to her to finish my education.  The first was the worst because it was a saline injection induced abortion.  The injection was given shortly after I arrived at the hospital, but the actual abortion occurred during the middle of the night.  I was alone in a hospital room and thought I was going to the bathroom.  Actually, I gave birth to the dead fetus in my hands over the toilet (I've never said that part to anyone).  But it was so traumatic.  I rang for the nurse, and she came, wrapped up the baby, and walked out.  No emotion.  No concern.  No acknowledgement that that was my BABY.   I was left alone for the rest of the night then sent home the next day. To this day (I was 15 then and am almost 60 now) I can still see the baby and feel the hurt at losing my 1st child. 

For years I would commemorate the birthday that would have been and often think how old my children would be had they been allowed to live.  I used to wish that my children had somehow escaped death and were alive somewhere. Now I look forward to being introduced and reunited with them in Heaven one day.  I have one daughter that I gave birth to when I was 38 years old - my first child would have been 23 when my daughter was born.  I so wished that my daughter could have had and known siblings. 

I had recently started my walk with the Lord a few years before she was born.  I don't remember exactly when I realized that abortion was a form of murder but that Christ died for my sin.  I had to forgive my mother, the fathers, and myself.  I learned that God has forgiven me upon my receiving Christ as my Savior.  What a glorious relief and blessing to know that God is merciful and Jesus saves.  And that's why I am silent no more.
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