First, I have to say that I was a follower of Christ at the time of my abortion. I was 17 years old, and I was in love with my boyfriend. We had begun a sexual relationship, even though I knew that God would desire us to wait until marriage. Every time we had sex I would beg God to not let me be pregnant. Many may be wondering...why did I not just use birth control? As backwards as it sounds, as a Christian, if I had used birth control I would be admitting that I was consciously choosing to disobey God—but if it "just happened", in my mind, I could still justify it as a mistake. But…they were both the same thing...disobedience to what God wanted me to do.
The day that I became pregnant I knew that I was. I began to cry and told my boyfriend.
For the next six weeks I lived in denial until the morning sickness made it impossible to ignore. I looked in the yellow pages for a clinic, and then I called and asked how much it would cost and made an appointment.
My father and grandfather, as well as many family members (including myself), were involved in serving God in different ways in the church, teaching, leading, etc. People can be very cruel and unforgiving and for me to make my pregnancy public would jeopardize their reputation and their ability to continue serving in the church—all because of my behavior. I could not put the consequences of my choice on their backs.
Because abortion at that time was illegal for someone under 18 without a parent’s consent, I forged my birth certificate. My boyfriend drove me there and tried to convince me the whole ride that we did not have to do this. I had already put the blinders on and had made up my mind. I was very determined, and he could not sway me to reconsider. He dropped me at the door, and I asked him to please wait outside.
From the moment I entered the clinic, I was in a bit of a fog. I gave them my money, took a seat, and waited to talk to the counselor. The counseling was more like an offer for birth control. There was no talk about the possibility of keeping my child or resources to help me think through my decision. Just, "Have you considered getting birth control?" I do not even remember how I responded.
Next, I was brought into the room where the abortion was done. I was told to strip from the waist down, put on a jonny and get on the table and place my feet in the stirrups. I had never seen a women doctor before, so I was scared. The doctor entered the room, tapped my knee, told me to be a good girl, turned on the suction machine, and began the abortion. I was shaking and so very afraid.
I was given antibiotics and told to rest. I quickly left the building. I could not let my parents know what I had done, so I went to my waitressing job and worked for the next eight hours.
For the next many months I simply functioned. But, every month, I had a few days where I fell into an emotional tailspin. This continued as I graduated hairdressing school, became engaged, and got married. I cried often and was emotionally fragile. There were times when I ran out of the house and hid from my husband, crouching down and crying behind buildings and dumpsters. To others it made no sense, but I knew why I was feeling this way. I had aborted our child and the guilt of the decision was consuming me.
I began praying, journaling, and talking to my husband about my feelings. It was helping some, but I still felt the need to talk to my parents about what I had done. I was fearful of what their response would be. I told them. My father got on his knees in front of me and waved his finger in my direction. He asked me if God had forgiven me. I said yes...so with tearful eyes and a shaky lip he said, “Then what right would your Daddy have not to?" We embraced and prayed and, although I was still very sad about what I had done, I knew that God would not want me to wallow in my sorrow and that I was forgiven. This was the beginning of my healing. I told my siblings and close friends....eventually giving my testimony in front of our church.
My heart has healed. I will always regret my choice, but as a forgiven child of God I have a story to tell that can help others who are still consumed by the guilt of their abortion. That's why I am silent no more!