I had two abortions. The 1st one I was dating/sleeping with two men at the same time. I'm not sure which was the father. I don't believe that had any impact on why I chose the abortion. I think fear of not being ready or even remotely financially able to have a child were big factors. I think I felt relieved at the time, though I have carried the guilt for over 30 years. I remember feeling like I was just a number at the clinic. I have kept quiet about it far too long and feel like a piece of crap daily. I've never felt forgiven nor sought help. Even though I see a psychiatrist on a monthly basis, I don't remember ever telling him. I suffer from depression and major anxiety and panic attacks.
During my 2nd abortion, I was living with my 2nd live-in boyfriend, 1200 miles from home. I was young, far from my family and friends, and was being horrifically abused. I had just lost my mother, and he told me he would leave me (I had nowhere to go). I called my dad, and he told me to come home to NY. I was living in south Florida at that time. I didn't feel I would get any support from him or any of my eight siblings, and I felt I had no choice, even though I did seek help via phone about the abuse. I just had no trust that things would work out. So off I went for yet the 2nd time. I still never sought help of any kind.
My sister, who was still a teenager at the time of my 1st abortion, has since been my rock and invited me to march this year.
I believe my life would have been so much brighter had I chosen life. In all honesty, I can't say for sure if I didn't know then what I know now that I would not have taken the same path. I've suffered my whole life with the guilt and shame. I cry whenever I think or speak to my sister about it. I'm crying now and fighting a losing battle with alcoholism. I wish I could go back and tell that young woman that I was how things really are. But I can't. She's no longer exists. All that is left is this older woman with so many regrets and so much pain, and no way to change things. I wish I could tell every young girl and woman my story and be able to convey every thought and feeling that I am experiencing. But I can't. There just aren't enough words or ways to explain.
I pray to God for forgiveness but have never felt anything but guilt and regret. I'm not very good at putting words in writing. I'm much better at talking face to face.