Dealing With It

I had an abortion, because I was young and uninformed. I was a product of a teenage mother and an absent father, and I did not want that for my child. I was influenced by my mother, who gave me all the negative consequences of having a child as a teenager.

During the abortion procedure I experienced fog. I was confused. I just went through the motions at first, because I thought it was the right thing to do. The people at the clinic weren’t warm and compassionate, but they weren't mean either. I broke down right before the procedure.  I was alone and hid my feelings. I wanted to do the right thing, and I didn't want to put a child what I went through as child. 

Immediately after the abortion I felt pain, regret, and shame. I wanted a baby more than anything. I got pregnant on purpose in the first place. I was convinced by my mother that it was the wrong decision. I "was not as strong as her" and she "would never help" me.  I felt I was misled.

As time went on after the abortion I felt and experienced the long-term impact on my life. I was in promiscuous relationship after relationship and experienced domestic violence. I used drugs and alcohol more than ever and tried to get pregnant for a very long time and failed. I fell deeper into a hole of shame, anger, and confusion. 

I found help and forgiveness through talking about it in individual counseling and through trusting Jesus Christ.  The process wasn't easy, because, in dealing with it, I had believed lies and carried the guilt and shame around for so long.