At the young age of sixteen, I was looking for love in all the wrong places and soon found myself pregnant. Confused and naïve, I had no idea what I was going to do. I had no relationship or thought of God, but I did have a tiny hope in my heart that made me want to keep the baby. At that time, I shared with my mom that I was pregnant. She asked me what I was going to do. She waited silently for an answer, but I was too afraid to tell her that I wanted to keep my child. As she waited for my response, I finally I uttered what I believed she wanted to hear, “I’ll have an abortion.” Immediately, I felt the small inkling of hope within diminish. Blame toward my mother rushed into my heart.
After the procedure, I went home and slept. As I woke up the next morning, I believed that I had successfully stuffed into the depths of my being all despair and regret. Two weeks later, I remember waking up feeling devastated, hoping it was a terrible nightmare, but also confused, empty, lost, broken, and shocked. I felt as though a piece of me was left at that cold, dead, hopeless place when I walked out that evening. I believed that the only one to blame was the one who made me do it, my mother. I remained a subconsciously ashamed individual for the next 14 years of my life. In my heart and mind, she (my mother) made me do it, not me. I was the victim, and it was as if she had held me down and forced me (which she didn’t).
When I met Jesus in a glorious way at the age of 22, I said to Him, “Lord I give you everything, I hold nothing back!” He so gently touched that unhealed hurt. Yet I recoiled and remember saying, “No, I was the victim there.” God is a gentleman. If we refuse to give Him something, He will not just take it.
So, for the next eight years of knowing Him, I wasn’t free. I sang about the Chain Breaker but carried around my own chains. I was full of shame, regret, and condemnation, because I had agreed with it for 14 years of my life.
My heart’s desire was closeness with Him and to really know the Holy Spirit. I desired to feel His presence, but I could never figure out what I was doing wrong! I mediated on the Word for eight years and prayed. My prayers were answered but felt that no “stirring the gift within you” was possible for me. Whenever I tried, it was as if I was trying to walk through heavy thick mud. But I never lost hope. I held true to God’s promises: “Seek and you will find, knock and the door will be opened.” I kept asking for closeness.
One day the Lord said so clearly to me, “I’m going to take you deeper.” I was overjoyed! For this was everything I had wanted! Two weeks later, He reminded me of the unhealed, unrepented abortion and demolished the walls I had built around it. For two days, I experienced a festering hurt, until I finally surrendered it to Him. When I did, He lifted the shame as if it were a stray hair.
A week later, I found an abortion recovery ministry at a local church. Through their 10-week healing Bible study, the Lord was able to work wonders in my heart and mind. I acknowledged fault, forgave my mother and myself, and found deliverance and emotional healing in ways that I didn’t know were possible.
I am truly honored and humbled to be a daughter of a King! My journey has ignited in me a passion to educate women and extend hope after an abortion, as well as walk alongside them to lead them through it.
Beautiful Redemption is a ministry I started at my church and functions as a voice for women who need encouragement, hope, and healing from the One and only Redeemer.
If I can leave all who have experienced this with one word, it would be redemption; God redeems all things.