I had my first abortion in January 1980, 40 years ago, when I was 16 years old because I was a good girl and I didn’t want my family or friends to know that I had gotten pregnant. I had my second abortion 14 years later because the baby's father, the man I was engaged to marry, told me that the only way we could stay together was to abort the baby. I wanted the baby, but I didn’t want to lose him. He lied to me. After the abortion, he left any way.
During both abortion procedures, I was treated like I was on an assembly line that had time limits to get me and everyone else through. I was not a person. I was just a source of revenue. I was awake for both. I never saw the doctors. I only saw the nurses. The second one was so painful, but there was nothing I could do.
Immediately after the first abortion, I was relieved that the unwanted, unplanned pregnancy was no longer a problem. I thought that I could get on with my life. After the second one, the immediate effects were very different. I came home that night and wanted God to take my life. I didn’t want to wake up the next morning. I couldn’t face what I had done.
As time went on after the first abortion, effects manifested themselves over the years without me realizing the cause. I was very depressed. I had low self-esteem. I became an emotional eater and gained a lot of weight. I became very promiscuous. After the second one, I thought I knew what to expect but the effects were more intense. I suffered from severe depression, guilt, and regret that were overwhelming. I was affected physically. I continued to overeat to kill the emotional pain and I suffered from physical pain from the stress of carrying the guilt. Every year I remembered the dates of my two abortions, and I remembered the dates that my two babies were supposed to have been born. After I got married, I didn’t know if I could get pregnant or stay pregnant. My husband and I had two sons but had complications during both pregnancies. We also suffered three miscarriages between them. All the problems were more than likely consequences of the abortions.
I found help and forgiveness over several years. I took a Forgiven and set free Bible study and ten years later I took a Surrendering the Secret Bible study. These changed my life. I was finally able to accept God's forgiveness for both abortions and forgive myself. God traded my grief, despair, and guilt for healing and hope. I am truly forgiven and set free and no longer have a secret. I know that my five children Sarah Elizabeth, Maggie Jane, Grace Noel, Joseph Benjamin, and Julia Bell are in heaven and I will see them again some day. I have since been working with the Abortion Hurts God Heals ministry and The Justice Foundation to help women heal from their abortions. I am silent no more!