At 26, I found myself pregnant. I was in an unhealthy relationship at the time and wanted out. I remember feeling overwhelmed, alone and scared. With many tears, I called the abortion clinic. I felt pressured on the phone to come the next day. I didn't know how to deal with the "how can I" questions or the reaction of others. Having no support system in place, abortion felt like a way out.
I walked into that abortion clinic alone, thinking that my problems would be solved. I could just return to life as usual hiding the secret. I remember the staff seemed cold and uncompassionate. I felt rushed; no-one explained the procedure to me as I fearfully lay on the examination table. When I left, I felt numb and temporarily relieved. The relationship ended soon after.
I lived in denial for years. I tried to forget and go on with my life, but deep inside I was held captive to the hidden guilt, shame, and regret. I often felt unworthy and distant from God. To numb the pain, I turned to eating disorders.
God is a gracious God. I married my husband and had two beautiful children. One Sunday, we had a speaker who shared about her abortion and God's redemption. That day my denial broke. I learned that God wanted to forgive me but, I could not forgive myself. As a believer walking up to the reality that I killed my child was overwhelming. Thankfully, we serve a faithful God who is determined to chase after us.
Through attending a post abortion Bible study and sharing my story, my healing felt complete. One powerful part was knowing my baby had a name given by God, which gave my baby dignity. Though I will always regret my choice to have an abortion, it no-longer has power over me.
I am so thankful that I have Jesus as my Savior who forgives entirely, heals deeply, and restores completely. I am thankful God no-longer looks at who I was, but rather who I have become. God's word says that we are over comers by the word of our testimony. I wait with anticipation to someday meet my son Michael! And I will continue to tell his story-because we are silent no more.