In 1986, at the age of 16, my life was turned upside down. I was a junior in high school. I wasn't popular and had a very low self-esteem. I wanted to feel a sense of belonging (popular) and feel beautiful.
I started dating a young man who was clearly older than I was. He had a couple of cars and a Harley Davidson (I had/have a great passion for motorcycles). At 16 of course I was mesmerized and fascinated to have a boyfriend with material things. I never bothered to ask him what he did for a living, I just knew he worked. I was fascinated with the relationship we had. He was so respectful towards me. Never ever did he cross the line. He would hug me, hold my hand, kiss me occasionally on the lips but mostly on my cheek and/or forehead. We were always together riding on the motorcycle going out to eat, the park, the mall, movies, etc. He never smoked, consumed drugs and/or alcohol in front of me. One day we went out on a double date. That's when the real person came out. He was drinking, smoking and snorting cocaine. On our way home, I was relieved the nightmare was over, little did I know it was about to begin. He pulled over to an empty lot. I thought we were going to talk about how he was acting and the drinking/drugs. He told me that he wanted to have intimacy with me. After I rejected him, he got upset and a bit aggressive. He didn't take no or my tears/fears for an answer. He said it was time to pay up - that nothing in this world is free. In a matter of minutes, I had lost my virginity and dignity in the front seat of a car. I paid a huge price for wanting to be popular and have a sense of belonging.
I didn't see him again. I can't recall how soon after I told my friends. I told them I had sex but I was very embarrassed and ashamed to tell them I was forced. I felt I deserve it for putting myself in that predicament. For dating someone older, for being naive and stupid. I eventually missed my period and started experiencing morning sickness. I ditched school and went to get a pregnancy test. Nurse confirmed I was pregnant. I was in denial. I kept telling her it couldn't be possible. I kept telling her it was only a few minutes and I didn't enjoy it. I was a virgin and I was scared. There's no way I can be pregnant. Again, I was too embarrassed and ashamed to confess what had happen to me. She proceeded to counsel me. She said I had three choices, (1) keep the baby, (2) give up for adoption, and (3) have an abortion. I had an idea of what an abortion was but I didn't fully understand the magnitude. I reacted when she said abortion and started crying even more. She replied, "Oh honey, don't worry about it or be scared, it's only a piece of tissue, it's not a baby yet". I left the clinic very scared, alone and confused. I called my ex-boyfriend and he said he would take care of it and would call me later. A few days later he said it was taken care of. I would be skipping school and going in for an abortion. We argued and I told him I was going to tell my parents. That's when he threatened me. He told me he was a drug dealer and if I told my parents, they and my siblings would end up getting hurt. So I had a choice - the piece of tissue because it was not a baby yet or my family. I truly believed in his threats.
He took me to the doctor's office. It's disheartening and shameful that doctors who take an oath to save/treasure lives are the same ones who are murdering our children. The doctor he took me with is a current practicing OB/GYN. I don't recall too many details while in the clinic. All I remember is him filling out paperwork, talking and laughing. When I went into the room, I was crying and trembling. The nurse that was at my side, kept comforting me. Telling me that it would be over soon and to take deep breaths. She took my left hand and was holding and caressing it. That day I walked in with a little life growing inside me, and I left with an empty womb, a huge void, and a shattered soul.
I went through life carrying tremendous guilt and shame. I suppressed it as best as I could. Although I was very angry and short fused. I felt I wasn't worthy of anything or anyone. I was damaged goods. I jumped from one relationship to another. I was looking for love, someone to love me and fill the huge void I felt. Although I didn't understand, what I was experiencing was the grief and effects of my abortion.
I found my answers and started on my healing journey in 2011 when I attended my Rachel's Vineyard Retreat. I finally understood the whirlwind of emotions I had experienced through the years. I found that the LORD and my baby didn't hate me. And, that I wasn't going to hell. I wasn't an ugly monster. I found forgiveness and I was able to surrender my guilt, shame and pain.
I was able to forgive myself, acknowledge my baby and start a relationship with him. I truly believe that although his life was cut short, he accomplished a mission. He came to save my life. He showed me what forgiveness and mercy truly are. He is my intercessor in heaven and my motivation to be the best version of myself, because when GOD decides to take me, I know my son will be waiting for me at heaven's doors to greet and welcome me home.
I carried my grief and shame for many, many years. I allowed it to define me for so long and steal from me peace and happiness. I am hopeful that by sharing my story, I will touch a broken heart that is longing for healing. Despite our bad choice, we all deserve to be happy, feel GOD's mercy, love and forgiveness. That's why I am silent no more! My son's life will not go in vain.