I was a married, sixteen year old, when my first child was born. She was born a month premature and there were delivery complications which left her disabled. Soon after I was pregnant again with our second child. My husband and I feared this child would be disabled also. So, we quickly decided to abort the baby. We didn't think we could handle caring for two disabled children. I did not know anything about abortion. At the abortion clinic, I was told it was a quick and easy procedure. My husband waited in the car. I went in a room with a couple of other women where I was given a valium, to help me relax, and be calm. I signed some papers. The only thing I remember after that was that they told me the baby was really tiny and they would use a vacuum to take it out.
I felt lightheaded and tired, then they performed the procedure. It was quick and I don't remember it being painful, but I felt very uncomfortable because everyone in the clinic was very quiet, eerily quiet, except for someone sobbing in another room.
After the procedure, I was put in a recovery room until the valium started to wear off. Then my husband led me to the car. On the ride home, I felt relief in thinking I made the right decision, that I wouldn't bring another disabled child into the world. But, I also felt deep sorrow, which haunts me from time to time, to this day.
As my Christian faith grew throughout my life, so did my unavoidable regret for taking the precious life that God graciously gave to me. I was so ashamed of what I did, I kept it a secret, from everyone, for decades. I'm 63 now. I sincerely pray that God forgives me. And, that is why I am silent no more!