As a graduating senior in high school, I found myself pregnant and very angry about the situation. I came from a family of dysfunction, and I actually went to my mother inquiring about getting on birth control because I had been having sex. When I approached her about it her response was quick and her reply was “no.” I was devastated because I knew I was playing Russian roulette with having unprotected sex.
Needless to say I ended up pregnant at the age of 17. I was about 12 weeks when I had my abortion. Every memory about what led up to my abortion is as clear as it was back then. I remember going back and forth with my decision of abortion but in the end I was not strong enough to say “yes” to life and instead went with the most inhumane decision I would soon regret for the rest of my life.
I’ll never forget the day of the abortion and I found myself laying on the bed and praying to God, God if you love me would you help me get up from this table and walk out!! I never got up, I was frozen and what happened next would send me into the most painful experience I have ever had. The vacuum used to suction out my baby is a sound I will never forget, I’ll never forget the instant excruciating pain. I’ll always remember the nurse who held my hand and told me it was going to be okay, it was like she was doing something she didn’t really want to be doing. She had compassion for me and yet her job was horrible and horrific. I often wonder about her. I don’t remember anything about the doctor, but I’ll never forget the nurse and the hostile protestor I met after the abortion and right before I got into the car we locked eyes, she told me that I would burn in hell for my decision and my reply to her was good because you will be there too.
Meeting hate with hate never works. All these years I have wondered why protestors thought they were doing the right thing by yelling obscenities to the women going into these abortion clinics and it honestly is just heartbreaking because that’s not the heart of our Savior. So, I’ve had my abortion and that was it, no birth control was offered to me as I left the clinic, no come back in 6 weeks so we can make sure things are looking healed and good to go, nothing. Just a thank you for your business kind of vibe and let’s keep the line moving. My mother and I never did tell anyone about my abortion. It was our little secret, a secret I thought for sure I would go to my grave with. Little did I know that my life would be literally turned upside down and inside out because of that one decision I chose.
So, I have my abortion in 1999 and I end up meeting my future husband and I immediately tell him that I had an abortion but that was it, I did not give details I just wanted him to know, and he said that’s okay. So, we’re together and I end up pregnant with my daughter and I did not bond with her at all. I did have a c-section with her, and the guilt crept in not to mention I lied on paper about my abortion. Anytime I filled out paperwork that asked about abortion I always lied. So soon after my daughter is born,I go into a severe postpartum depression so much so that I’m given Zoloft in which I have been on since.
Then two years later we get pregnant and had a boy but things are different, I loved on this baby as long as I could. I bonded with him immediately and then the guilt kicked in, why am I loving this baby, but I couldn’t love my daughter the same way. I start sinking about this point. I begin to just binge eat and I gain so much weight that I end up having a gastric bypass in 2004 but that didn’t really solve anything. It opened the door to more destructive behaviors. So, all of this is taking place all the while my husband had joined the Marine Corps in 2001 and he would soon be leaving us to be part of the initial push into Iraq.
So, life continues to move forward but I still feel stuck on that abortion table, the memories haunt me. I think about my aborted baby every day. The pain is too much and life with a Marine begins to be too much, so I just drown my sorrows with alcohol and I abuse prescription medication which for me was Adderall. I had never felt so alive when I started taking that medication but then I wanted more and more to the point where at times I thought my heart was going to explode. I will say that I often went to therapy, but I never had the courage to talk about my abortion. I talked about everything under the sun that had happened in my life but the one traumatic even that led me to seek professional help I could never even utter the words.
So, life still continues with military life and deployments and things begin to boil over. I remember one night while my husband was away for training I decided to drink a whole bottle of sailor Jerry’s (liquor) and I got so drunk my daughter who was probably 9 at the time came into my room and said mom what’s wrong with you and her face pierced my soul and at that moment I knew I needed help but help could not come soon enough because my husband would be getting ready to deploy and he would take a pre-deployment assessment that prevented him from leaving and actually started his process of being medically retired from the marine corps.
I would have to put myself on hold once again so that we could focus on the treatments he needed. Needless to say, we retire and end up in San Antonio and it wouldn’t be until right before COVID hits that I start looking into anything and everything I can to begin my healing. I come across surrendering the secret and complete that but I still felt a void, I was needing someone to walk alongside me and look me in my eyes and pray with me and over me. I found this when I attended a Rachel’s Vineyard Retreat. This program was the answer to all of my prayers I had ever prayed about in the past for finding healing.
It was all in God’s timing and although I often felt like I was all alone, I truly never was. So, I attended the retreat this year August 12th of 2022. This experience rocked my soul to the core!! I was met with the hand of Yeshua who grabbed me out of the dark room I was in and he pulled me out. I was able to grieve my baby Jeremiah, I had never cried so much in my life, but it was a cleansing I desperately needed. I was able to look back on my life and realize that abortion was never part of Gods plan for me but it’s part of my story and it’s a redemption story.
God gets all the honor and glory because on and in my own strength I can accomplish nothing and with him nothing is impossible. I had a pastor lay hands on me with such an anointing that she opened up things in me that were locked. She spoke life over me and brought my dry bones alive!! She told me things about my life that I had not shared with her and everything she has said has come to fruition. We had our memorial service for our babies on the 14th and so I have always been one who knows that God orchestrates things exactly how he wants them and it’s always beautiful so I was born April 14th so 4-14 and my first Bible study I ever did was on the book of Esther so for me Esther 4:14 is my life’s verse and so immediate when we had the memorial service and I realized it was on the 14th I looked into it and found that in Hebrew the number 14 is indicated by the term “Yod-Dalet.” It’s a symbol of deliverance and release.
The letters signify a hand opening a door and the subsequent release of freedom from prison. This is often related to new beginnings and it’s an indicator of hope in the lives of many people. So, I’m here willing and able to step out and step into the role God has for me. I’m here to claim my position in the world of pregnancy, life, and abortion and speak up and speak out on the lies the media tells people and this is why I have decided to stay silent no more!!