I was a very liberal college student in the late 70s. I believed in "women's liberation" from a teen. That meant not being encumbered by children until successful; having an important career; not needing our man. But I was in love & committed to my boyfriend & he was committed to me. We were liberal intellectuals, though, who put academics & career ahead of family. I had lost my father at 19. I was essentially in trauma from that time. My boyfriend's father survived a work camp in the Holocaust-his whole family had been killed by the Nazis.
My boyfriend & I had been doing a lot of drugs at the time as well. I was smart, ambitious, and a total mess emotionally-very cold & numb. I had a problem with my cervix being tilted & I didn't ever want to take the pill, so the diaphragm failed me these 4 times. I only remember the first & the last abortion. I have absolutely no memory of 2 & 3. None. The 1st one I remember because I was very upset after & the doctor said it was just hormones. The last one I remember because the nurse I met with before the procedure was against abortion & let me know it. I thought she was so bad to be trying to talk me out of it.
I mostly hid the abortions after, except at one AA meeting. When I spoke up, I found out other women kept quiet about theirs. It wasn't until I became a Ron Paul supporter & was the coordinator of the Ron Paul meetup in SF that the issue came up in my face for me. Ron Paul was against abortion not because he is conservative, but because he participated in one (I think the only one he has ever been involved in) and he witnessed how horrible a thing it is. That really moved me. I became very anti-abortion at that point & went on the Walk for Life which was a life changing event. I started to put all the pieces together. I realized that programming (I was thoroughly programmed by the women's movement) was not "choice". I was shocked I never considered the babies' grandfather who lost his whole family; my mother who lost her husband. I never connected my failed relationship, out of control drug use with abortion. I never had children; didn't marry until 40 & essentially lost a family.
I need to repent-I know I need to face the consequences of what I have done. When I asked God how to really repent, I was told I need to see the images of abortion to know what I have done. I have only minimally taken that step. I am very scared of facing what I have done to my children.