Over twenty years ago, I had two abortions because I lacked emotional, relational, or financial support. Most of all, I lacked the courage to choose life and instead of trusting Jesus to work in the midst of my imperfect circumstances, I gave in to fear.
My first abortion was a surgical abortion, which was agonizing and traumatic. Each instrument felt like an act of violence against me, and I was terrified that I would die in the abortion facility that day.
Without ever confronting the pain of that decision, I chose a chemical abortion years later, believing the pill would be easier. That was a lie! It was far more heart-wrenching than I anticipated because it wasn’t the abortionist who disposed of the body; it was me — as I flushed my baby away, never to be seen again. Nothing & no one prepared me for the horror of that moment.
I gravely underestimated the lasting harm abortion would cause me. Riddled with shame, guilt, and regret—I tried to mask the pain of those abortions with the busyness of life, but the damage was too deep. I developed PTSD, depression, and anxiety and with no tools to cope I suffered in silence for over a decade.
I tried to withhold this part of my life from Jesus because I was deeply ashamed of the darkness within my own heart. I never thought I could murder my own children and this truth caused anguish to my soul.
But one day, Jesus came to my rescue because His plans for restoration and redemption were at work long before I ever knew it. He freed me and met me in my brokenness, offering love instead of judgment. His grace and mercy healed wounds I thought would never close. And He gave me the gift of knowing the sexes of my children and naming them with Him—Malcom Elijah & Victoria Nichole. What dignity He has restored to them and me!
I’m here to testify that the love of Jesus covers a multitude of sins and in Christ, there is nothing, not even the sin of abortion, that can ever separate us from Him.
I stand before you today healed, forgiven, set free and silent no more.
To God be the glory!